31 10 2006

When : 31st, Octoberust 2006
Where : Bus 61
Time : 3 pm
Who : Foodseller’s kids

We are the lights

I am too obsessed with kids.
How I wish I could turn back time
And obtain super-happening happiness,
Not silence.

You are the light

When I was a kid,
I had always wished,
Someone would took my picture like this.
Like this.

No, you are the light.

Looking at her
Makes me want to push myself
Onto the mirror.
Into the mirror.

I want to give more

I wish that was me yesterday.
The kid who never drained
Never tired when tears surfaced.

U won't let me

I’ve failed being a kid.
Now I’m old.
But still, it’s never too late.

Not yet a lipglosskid

Perhaps I’m already late



31 10 2006

When : 31st, Octoberust 2006
Where : Coffee Table
Time : 10.18 pm

I have plenty of debts. That means I am still needed. Though debts makes my life less promising, but hey…



30 10 2006

When : Monday, 30th Octoberust 2006
Where : Capsule
Time : 11.51 pm

I was almost ruined. No, not about love or rejection, but about something I said, to someone whom I talked almost everyday today. A collegue who keeps Jesus in his heart.

It all started when I jokingly said, “I want to be a lesbian”

I know that I’m NEVER suited to be one. And there won’t be any woman who wants me. Hehe. And whatever shits I blurted out today was merely a joke. Anyway, who would believe my words? Me? A LESBIAN? Yeah right!

I can’t even take care of myself. How am I going to take care of another troublesome woman. Duh!

After hearing the magic word “lesbian”, my collegue’s mind started to float to somewhere dark.

“So u want to just have sex all day?”
“Like a hippie hah?!”

My mouth started throwing cannonballs,
“Well, Jesus do looked like a hippie to me”

Yes. How insensitive of me.

I thought it would be a nice gift for his Monday morning, but HELL NO!

The bomb ticked and eyes can’t stop staring at me. I didn’t hide nor run. I ended everything with a very insensitive smile instead of detonating the bomb or taking cover.

As if, god would side my words and kindly put a shelter on me somewhere.

I know talking, or worse, joking about religon can be a taboo sometimes, but still, I’ve failed to tame my mouth. I feel very dizzy and disgusted if I hold back too many words in the head.

Though calling Jesus a hippie is all due to his appearence, his hair, his dressing. So shabby and ropes (are those things around his waist called ropes?) dangling here and there. But doesn’t mean I said he looked like a hippie have to be a hippie! Right?

It’s his dressing, his appearance in movies and some painting. That’s all.

Of course, the damage is already done and there isn’t anything much I could do now except admitting my mistake and apologize.

In future, I better heed the old-timer’s advice, not be too honest when delivering jokes. Hold some for own head to laugh before someone decapitates my head. Hehe.

Ps : I am really sorry [insert name here please]. Very. And also to anyone who reads this. I’m sorry.

Oh wait! Can anyone tell me what “p.s” means? I used it umpteen times and I know nuts about it. Haha!

Yes, I am so bodoh and so anyhow kinda woman. And that’s a fact!

Bonne nuit globe!


29 10 2006


BOY : How do we keep love alive?
GIRL : Breathe
BOY : Just breathe?
BOY : Give me three months…
GIRL : U’ll be gone?


WOMEN : Some are lucky.
MAN : Some not.
WOMEN : We are not talking about moving in.
MAN : Yeah right.


HE : I am seriously growing tired of it.
SHE : I shouldn’t reveal about life…
SHE : About my life
HE : Thank God
HE : I don’t have to pretend anymore.


HE : I choose u.
SHE : I love u.
HE : I pick u.
SHE : I’m waiting to fall again


Everywhere gives me a glimpse of yersterday


29 10 2006

When : Sunday, Octoberust 29th 2006
Where : In the seed
Time : 12.05 am

I’m here again. My story has not ended yet.

Today’s evening, my so called uncle came with wifey and baby. They came but no one attended them. They were left alone, in the living room with a dead tube.

My sister was crying, at work. Dad was at the kitchen watching fish turned to trash, mom was in her room. So am I. Mom silently watching the tube, while me silently pulling my hair and slapping myself to sleep. Smt, silently doing nothing.

It’s painful. I can’t settle here. Never.

I should have bought myself a new green bedsheet than glasses and bowls for Syawal.

What the point of contributing when no one in the house respects Syawal and slaughtered Ramadhan? What’s the point of being nice when they could only give me a smile after trashing me hard?

Sigh. I’ve lost respect on them. For Syawal too. Except for my innocent darling sister and few kitties who made life lively.

Only they, deserve my respect to the max.


28 10 2006

When : Saturday, Octoberust 28th 2006
Where : In the seed
Time : Troubled me

Today I spent the whole day in my room, with Smt, watching the tube and practising to calm myself down. Yes, I felt agitated. Mega agitated. And my neighbours who are few doors away from me felt it too.

This is what happens when anger strikes back. I would end up screaming at the walls till it cracked and glasses shattered. While Smt, patiently watched me till his skin got real tight till it ripped him piece by piece.

What can I say? It’s painful to have me as a friend.

One minute I plant flowers in a heart-shaped-pot, next minute I would plant bombs in the heart. 

I really hate myself. I really really hate myself more than I hate my flesh and blood who left me since I was born.

I feel so sorry for Smt.

I know I am not someone useful anymore. And having me around, there’s nothing I could give or provide with except waiting for something bad to happen…

Except waiting for something bad to happen.


27 10 2006

 Hello. I’m not gone yet. I’ve more downfall to update. Hehe.

That day I got liquor in my hair, black tar on my green sweater’s hood, some shit on my jeans and dirty panty on my bed, on my face, near my mouth.

Tomorrow. Not know. 

If I feel my hands belong to me no more, maybe I should go and sell off my fingers to some fingerfood-vendors so that I could get more redbull, to get lost and get half-blacked-out again.

Yes. I got ten-kg-hammer in my head. And a elephant-sized-dagger in the heart.

YES! I’m that ruined.