She’s running.

What : On my way to bliss
When : 10.42 pm

Dear Universe,

I’ve made myself into a fuckhead bitch and there’s no doubt about it. Though the things I said looked as if some-people’s careless-work were the ones who destroyed me, my world, my life! But hey, it’s never ever true! It’s actually me over-analyzing things. Hehe.

To be pathetically honest, the people around me have been good. At times they treated me extra extra good. Countless of deeds they donated to me, without expecting anything from me. Not even my body! Oh Thank You!

Though there are some who are fond of lying a lot sometimes, who cares! Don’t u all see that everyone lied! Some even lied every hour, seconds and minute. Like u, me, she, he, they we, them, us, father, mother and EVERYONE! We all are lying together. So let’s us just continue lying! Just enjoy every single lies while it last. Haha.

Whether we lied wrongly or correctly, never ever stop! Once u stopped, your life dropped! Dropped into an absolutely devastating situation. And it would definitely takes a lot of sexy angels and practices to bring that good-side of u back!

If u really put much practices and able to practice it well to kick your lying habits, I bet all the lies that u once created would never have a way to eat u up someday! And that’s a BIG DOUBLE YAY YAY FOR U!

If it doesn’t, live with it. You lied, u spin, YOUR WEB is what u’re getting.

Therefore today, I would like to just ignore these spin-a-lie-people and keeps on concentrating on the light which is waiting for me patiently at the end of tunnel. A light in a shaped of a friend. Yes, my non-fiction choice is my non-fiction luxury!

Whether the rest of the oxygen-takers are right or wrong, let their knowledge echo back to their ears, mind and down to their heart. We shouldn’t get ourselve easily affected by it. If they ignored it, then it’s their lost! Never be mine. I repeat, never ever be mine,

Anyway, who am I to u? I am not here to reform your web. I am here just to accompany when u fucking needed a friend. Hehe.

But before I be one, I should sayang my own well-being first than anything in the world.

Am I right? Yes, I know that I AM ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

If u’re unable to consume the things I’ve said, YOUR PROBLEM then. Stupid.

Okay people, I got to go. Go to stop the pain and be balance. Yeehaa!

Be well lah people!

What : Still Pending
When : 5.47 pm and a few seconds

Oh Universe,

Why are u dressed in black and white? Is this entirely a dream or are u trying to draw me back into another miserable cycle dream? Try eating? Oh please try not to waste all my efforts, can u? U would only get me into trouble if u keep forcing me to eat. Go on, please tell me something, throw me anything! Spell me blood if u must. Blood flowing out through the nose or the mouth, anywhere! If u don’t, I wouldn’t have the strength to feel u if u continue hurting me like this. It’s disastrous, can’t u see? It’s disastrous chronic mental disease, can’t u feel? Whatever definition the fucking word pain is…

I am still in the mood to live!

Where : Crashing in my head
What : InsomniacNation
When : 4.00 am

Dear Universe,

I broke one of my rules today. Yeah, I cried and cried and cried since yesternight till this very morning for more than eighteen hours in total. If this goes on, pretty soon my eyes would go blind and my blood-pumping-machine would sure to tip-toe it’s way to other needy-body.

Next, I would end up with zero organs in my body and live voluntarily in total darkness for the rest of my life, underneath many piles of soil. Haha!

Damn bloody fuck luck sucks duck!

Why? Well it all started when I do not have much cash in hand and I need to get to work on time, I then asked Mr Zhry the thousandth and one time of friendly request, if he could drive me to work. So that I would still be able to reach the battleground before clock strike nine and I could use the remainder on food and cigarettes instead of throwing them into some cabby’s let’s-fuck-a-lot-fund!

Ok, not all cabby drivers are like that. I know, my bad. Pardon me for saying such, I am in need of letting off some steam here.

After the bla bla bla and due to some unsettled score we had in the past, we fought. BOOMBOOMBOOM!

Yeah, we then screamed out loud every word and every pain we could think of. Oh no, corrections. He didn’t scream. Sorry. It was me.

I screamed about the weather, mother, brother, sister and I also screamed at my cigarettes that lost it’s lighter. I screamed for more than twenty minutes and I didn’t even realized that I am no longer good at shouting anything out loud anymore, until I saw black on my bed, black on my walls and black in my entire room.

Unlike when I was ten. Where I used to be part of school’s choir. Despite harsh cries, singing and shouting out loud at the same time, for so many many hours. I could still see colors everywhere. Red, green, blue, purple, yellow and cyan!

But on second thought, I do think I am good at it still. Hehe.

Maybe what I should do before the fight is I should’ve make sure of myself that I’ve taken more than enough of rest, sleep on proper less-messy bed and take my dinner, supper and also my breakfast seriously. Right?

Ok fuck, drop that! Why am I talking about meal-time when there isn’t any food that would love to stay cheerfully in my body for long. Yes, not even for twenty minutes.

And so, I shouted about eating and I shouted sleeping. I shouted out every emotions that have been bottling up in my almost-dead brain. I shouted about the cock, the rock, the clock, the fork and all the fucking bad flock that stalked and clogged my mind.

The only time I stopped shouting is when my tears started to drip drop drip and drop onto my phone.

Minutes later, before I could get a glass of milk to down my pills, Mr Zhry darling sister smsed me.

“Y d hell did u said I’m bein cold 2u bla bla bla?! Lau aku jahat, aku takkan ajak kau kuar!! Ko ingat ko sorg depression?! Dammit!”

Prior to her sms arrival in my cell’s inbox, I then tried calling her cell. Not once but twice, still she rejected me. I then replied,

“What did he said? Call me first before u start assuming. Don’t be such an asshole. Thank u.”

I know, I am being rude. But I have to. She have been rude to me since I was nineteen.

Bottomline is, rude sender deserve rude reply. Yay.

She replied,

“He said u said I always hang up d fon like I dunwan 2tok 2u. Damnit lah! His own sister is in depression state he dun even care. Fuck lah! I had enuff of living!”

And so I replied,

“Fyi, me as the sender didn’t say or meant that way. If u fucking care to know the hellish truth, fucking call me then. If not, never fly your bloody assumptions on me. Yeah, depressed. Only fucking depressive people understand what sick-in-the-mind victims trying to say. Sorry to say, your bro talked in maths to u. And yeah he failed in it too.”

She replied, “He’s a fuckin asshole! Bcuz of YOU, aku yang kena!!”

I replied,

“So again, u are pointing finger at me? Don’t u ever get tired of it? U blamed me in the past and now, u blame me again. Why don’t u blame your own mirror on the wall? Or I can kindly give u my measuring tape if u need to measure your own sin! Sorry girl, I think your anger, WITHOUT KNOWING THE REAL CONVERSATION, is really unnecessary.”

At this point, everything that happened on 2001, came to life again. I could hear them in my ear, I could feel them in my heart and worst, I could see everyone of them, right here, standing like army of predators in my head.

I replied,

“It is such an insult, really. I can’t believe such educated human who own such a complete set of happy happy family could turned out this way. Where is your heart? Where is the brain? Are those things merely decorations to u people? I fucking abhor your rudeness towards me from the very first day. Don’t u ever call me again unless u need a heart to heart conversation with me!”

She replied,

“Eh Pandai berbual. I always tot ur not wat u seem. But now u dah tunjuk belang. Stop calling my brother and stop asking him 2help u!”

I replied,

“Right. Is that all u’ve got? Why don’t u ask your brother what had actually happened? And oh, did my sms hurt your heart, your brain or your ego? Why don’t u call me and tell me what u think of me personally? Why? Cause u yourself knew that u, your bro and everybody in the whole universe are nothing but imperfect dummies? Yeah, that’s right. Belang! My sentiments exactly! U be well girl, your problem is nothing compared to mine”

So that was it. Thanks to the rain and my almost-dying refrigerator, I am cool now. Clingy cool air, does help me sometimes. Hoorey!

Though the deep scars that they left in my heart years ago are something that would make me want to slit their throat, then grind their heart, mix and toss it so hard, as much they tossed mine, I think it would be wise if I welcome Karma to haunt them down instead.

Dear Mr oh-so-kind Zhry,

Thanks for being a failed-to-listen listener.

The message u conveyed to your darling sister have successfully created more frictions to some rare-creations. Yeah, u heard me wrong earlier on. So wrong till she subconsciously pointed her fat finger at me.

I tried calling her but her ego stopped her picking-up/answering/entertaining my calls.

Maybe truth is NOT important to human anymore, yeah? Or maybe she only wants to listen to what she wants to hear.

If only u would have been a little more attentive and really listened to my words very very carefully, less carelessly, I guess there won’t be any mishaps this morning.

It’s really ok. Let the world see me very ugly. I am not here to impress anyone who ever rejected me before. Or was it me, myself and I been rejecting myself? Oh well…

All I know I am here just to share my life with anyone who like to share their life with me. This includes animal and all the fanatically patriotic pigs too!

And yeah thanks for the helping hands u’ve given me. Without those hands,I would have stuffed all my family’s skeleton into my blue-yellow-closet.

The money? Don’t u worry. I will pay as soon as I have the extra money. If I failed to do so, I would haunt CPF and NTUC to pay every single nickle u gave me.

Yeah, I’ve nominated u. Only u and Fzh.

Why? First of all, I don’t know when I would have that much money to pay every single thing to u. Secondly, due to your kindness towards me for nine long years, I dont’t think I would be an evil enough to run away with your hard-earned money like that. And the very last reason is, I don’t know if I could still breathe in breathe out that long in future.

Though I can’t say “YES” to u each time u asked me to be the one for u, due to our past failures, family conflicts, fears and differences. I can’t deny that of all many people I’ve met, u are one of the few who I would like to grow up with - You, Fzh, Smt and A.Fau.

U guys are not just friends but family who would be my witnesses when I can’t pry open my eyes, some-end-day.

Be well.

What : I need wheels. I don’t mind even if it’s ugly
Why : I want to go for a ride and yes, I am ugly too
When : 9.03 pm failed to make me blush

Dear mirror on the wall,

Today’s afternoon, I saw my little dreamsindoubt walked out on me. The best part was, she didn’t say anything before she left. All I could see was she kept mum, long-sighs, feeling utterly disappointed, she then made up her mind, floating off to my cancerstick’s smoke, then poof she goes in thin air.

What’s left now is me. Just the oh-so-helpless, always-looking-bad me. Sitting here with the good ol’ moon, together we believe, true-good-people do exist elegantly somewhere.

Therefore my fellow comrades, do be prepare. For I could never guarantee any one of u that I could ever beg this feeling to stay in one and only same place for the longest time. This goes especially to clowns who fonds of freezing my heart then juggling magicpills and tumbling them down through my throat.

Sorry clowns, your final rounds of thrill and entertainment are over.

Instead of waiting a good but bitter friend to donate a good fuck to my one and only life and leave me screaming like a siren, I’d rather go back to where I once started. Talking to my reliable blood-pumping machine, with no lights on, then chase a cab, feel the wind, spend my solitary nights on the hill, squatting, making love to the moon and be a lesser stupid fool.

Before that, I need a tool. A tool to ease these strong pain.

Yes, I won’t give up. True friend, true love still standing. All I need to do is to stand together. With or without legs attached.

Be well to whoever u are

What : Black and white reel
When : 7. 22 am

Good morning disappearing people!

I escaped from my feet-on-heels dreams a wee bit early today. Why? Dreamaginary blisters and pain on my toes woke me up. Everything looked so fantastically real. I can’t seem to tell them apart.

I know, I sounded extremely pathetic. But hey, right after I opened my eyes, I saw my hands holding close to my knees.

See, I can’t even find solace in my own sleep. Sigh.

Oh my! Time seems to run faster than I thought. I better get going now before time decided not to look sweet anymore.

Be well

What : Acknowledging my needs
When : 11.51 pm

Oh Sea of Different Jars,

All I want is a man who would wonder why the universe is so goddamn special, why heaven have so much secrets, why hell is so hot, why metal can’t break like broken glass, why grasses could dance better than human, why gifts turn people into devils, why time is so mysteriously important, why god is one, why pretenders are interesting, why heroes have better options, why siblings are so different, why everyone’s the same, why love makes one refreshed, why couples get married to lie many big small lies, why people shy to die and etcetera…

Ok I know, I am asking too much. That explains why men and my family kept running away from me and me running away from them.

Bye

What : Wave of Goodbyes
When : 4.06 am

Dear Sea of Hurt,

My head is confusingly spinning a haunted-web and it hurts me deep. Uncontrollably.

Whatever nameless pain flowing slowly are starting to move real slow-mo than ever. I feel so stuck, ackwardly stucked on the edge of this so-called life.

The more I tried to calculate, to understand the things around me, the more mathematically insane I get myself into.

Is this what Mr February have installed for me?

Shortlived happiness and unfulfilled peace? Is that all? Where’s death? Why death not included yet? How long more should I hang onto these invisible-enemies?

Oh please life, stop hissing! I’d rather u freeze my twenty-eight years of breathing and it than hearing me screaming, “Oh my God, no!”

STOP HISSING!

What : Ten days later
When : 12.07 am

“Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.”

For a minute, all of us wanted the same thing, same note, same life, same lucky star and exactly the same mindblowing battleground. Next thing I know, everything was just a dream. A short-torturing, meaningless dream that isn’t made to be part of mine and never mine to command.

Oh did I mention that I tried rescuing someone while everyone was wide asleep? Oh shut that flaming-lip up, Nong! As if anyone care.

Here’s Antony and The Johnsons for him and him and all the little cripple starfish they used to love.

Mr. Muscle forcing bursting. Stingy thingy into little me, me, me. But just “ripple” said the cripple. As my jaw dropped to the ground, smile, smile.

It’s true I always wanted love to be HURTFUL. And it’s true I always wanted love to be filled with pain and bruises.

Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy. Screamed ” I just compeletely love you! And there’s no rhyme or reason I’m changing like the seasons. Watch! I’ll even cut off my finger. It will grow back like a Starfish! It will grow back like a Starfish! It will grow back like a Starfish!”

Mr. Muscle, gazing boredly. And he checking time did punch me and I sighed and bleeded like a windfall. Happy bleedy, happy bruisy.

I am very happy, so please hit me. I am very happy, so please hurt me. I am very happy, so please hit me. I am very very happy, so come on hurt me.

I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish.

Like a Starfish…

What : Powerful Red Eyes
When : 4.31 am

Oh Sea of Love,

I am not asleep and not eating much still. Almost eighteen days altogether. Though I still do look flabby here and there, my weight is dropping and I bet there’s more to drop.

Oh don’t sigh, please. Sighing makes me puzzled.

Looking all puzzled would also gave my family an idea, a fundamental idea that their daughter is a warm-hearted heroine addict. Haha! So, let’s fuck sigh for once, ok?

Some said, “Slow death”

“Oh thank you”, I replied.

My darlings asked me to give a light knock on Roger’s head but since he is worshipping his new-pork’s year still, I am happy to let him go.

I would rather wait till 6th March than going without much cash in hand. My next appointment, that is.

Anyway, even if I go knocking on his head and door now, I simply don’t know what to expect from the oh-so-geeky Roger. Good or bad, it makes no difference to me. I don’t even particularly care about whether the pain that I am having now are killers or not. I rather be an ignorant to my well-being than knowing that I’m one helpless-being trying to be happy in a shortlived state.

Right, I could hear someone is calling me dark again. I am not, alright? I am just pale.

I’ve stored diazepam into my blood an hour ago but still, “Nongmerase see no reaction”. And waiting for something to happen, at this time, at this hour, is the last thing I would do. Maybe, what I need now is more people like Tuan Noor Azlim to cheer up the pill to work a.s.a.p!

And oh to u and u and u, do try to minimise that worries, ok?

I strongly believe that I won’t die that easily cause I have so much responsibilities not just in hand but on my shoulders too. U get what I am saying, kids?

Bla bla bla dumb dumb dumb, I could live still with the lack of food but not sleep.

TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: i suka ur bahasa
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: so metamorphic
BETTIE HUSSEIN: oh?
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: and indah
BETTIE HUSSEIN: u mean metaphoric?
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: yaa
BETTIE HUSSEIN: hehe ok
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: metamorphic tu cite power rangers
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: =))
BETTIE HUSSEIN: LOL!

Ps : I also need al-cheapo scuds to redeem back all my memory on how to sleep early.