IGNORANCE IS THE KEYWORD

What : On my way to bliss
When : 10.42 pm

Dear Universe,

I’ve made myself into a fuckhead bitch and there’s no doubt about it. Though the things I said looked as if some-people’s careless-work were the ones who destroyed me, my world, my life! But hey, it’s never ever true! It’s actually me over-analyzing things. Hehe.

To be pathetically honest, the people around me have been good. At times they treated me extra extra good. Countless of deeds they donated to me, without expecting anything from me. Not even my body! Oh Thank You!

Though there are some who are fond of lying a lot sometimes, who cares! Don’t u all see that everyone lied! Some even lied every hour, seconds and minute. Like u, me, she, he, they we, them, us, father, mother and EVERYONE! We all are lying together. So let’s us just continue lying! Just enjoy every single lies while it last. Haha.

Whether we lied wrongly or correctly, never ever stop! Once u stopped, your life dropped! Dropped into an absolutely devastating situation. And it would definitely takes a lot of sexy angels and practices to bring that good-side of u back!

If u really put much practices and able to practice it well to kick your lying habits, I bet all the lies that u once created would never have a way to eat u up someday! And that’s a BIG DOUBLE YAY YAY FOR U!

If it doesn’t, live with it. You lied, u spin, YOUR WEB is what u’re getting.

Therefore today, I would like to just ignore these spin-a-lie-people and keeps on concentrating on the light which is waiting for me patiently at the end of tunnel. A light in a shaped of a friend. Yes, my non-fiction choice is my non-fiction luxury!

Whether the rest of the oxygen-takers are right or wrong, let their knowledge echo back to their ears, mind and down to their heart. We shouldn’t get ourselve easily affected by it. If they ignored it, then it’s their lost! Never be mine. I repeat, never ever be mine,

Anyway, who am I to u? I am not here to reform your web. I am here just to accompany when u fucking needed a friend. Hehe.

But before I be one, I should sayang my own well-being first than anything in the world.

Am I right? Yes, I know that I AM ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

If u’re unable to consume the things I’ve said, YOUR PROBLEM then. Stupid.

Okay people, I got to go. Go to stop the pain and be balance. Yeehaa!

Be well lah people!

I NEED A FAMILY AND A MAN

What : Acknowledging my needs
When : 11.51 pm

Oh Sea of Different Jars,

All I want is a man who would wonder why the universe is so goddamn special, why heaven have so much secrets, why hell is so hot, why metal can’t break like broken glass, why grasses could dance better than human, why gifts turn people into devils, why time is so mysteriously important, why god is one, why pretenders are interesting, why heroes have better options, why siblings are so different, why everyone’s the same, why love makes one refreshed, why couples get married to lie many big small lies, why people shy to die and etcetera…

Ok I know, I am asking too much. That explains why men and my family kept running away from me and me running away from them.

Bye

WHAT I NEED NOW IS BASIC

What : Powerful Red Eyes
When : 4.31 am

Oh Sea of Love,

I am not asleep and not eating much still. Almost eighteen days altogether. Though I still do look flabby here and there, my weight is dropping and I bet there’s more to drop.

Oh don’t sigh, please. Sighing makes me puzzled.

Looking all puzzled would also gave my family an idea, a fundamental idea that their daughter is a warm-hearted heroine addict. Haha! So, let’s fuck sigh for once, ok?

Some said, “Slow death”

“Oh thank you”, I replied.

My darlings asked me to give a light knock on Roger’s head but since he is worshipping his new-pork’s year still, I am happy to let him go.

I would rather wait till 6th March than going without much cash in hand. My next appointment, that is.

Anyway, even if I go knocking on his head and door now, I simply don’t know what to expect from the oh-so-geeky Roger. Good or bad, it makes no difference to me. I don’t even particularly care about whether the pain that I am having now are killers or not. I rather be an ignorant to my well-being than knowing that I’m one helpless-being trying to be happy in a shortlived state.

Right, I could hear someone is calling me dark again. I am not, alright? I am just pale.

I’ve stored diazepam into my blood an hour ago but still, “Nongmerase see no reaction”. And waiting for something to happen, at this time, at this hour, is the last thing I would do. Maybe, what I need now is more people like Tuan Noor Azlim to cheer up the pill to work a.s.a.p!

And oh to u and u and u, do try to minimise that worries, ok?

I strongly believe that I won’t die that easily cause I have so much responsibilities not just in hand but on my shoulders too. U get what I am saying, kids?

Bla bla bla dumb dumb dumb, I could live still with the lack of food but not sleep.

TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: i suka ur bahasa
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: so metamorphic
BETTIE HUSSEIN: oh?
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: and indah
BETTIE HUSSEIN: u mean metaphoric?
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: yaa
BETTIE HUSSEIN: hehe ok
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: metamorphic tu cite power rangers
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: =))
BETTIE HUSSEIN: LOL!

Ps : I also need al-cheapo scuds to redeem back all my memory on how to sleep early.

GULE GULE

What : Heartburn
When : Happy New Year
Why : Hell I don’t know
Time : 5.24 am

Finally I’ve thrown all my 2006’s calendars, love notes, love letters and all the junks I stuffed in my safe chest. 

Yes, I used to have a habit of keeping anything that a guy contributed to me, during my every first dates. And this includes mrt cards, restaurant receipts, soft drink bottles and also packets of already-used tissue papers too. Haha.

Though cleaning can be encouraging tiresome to many muscles and a tad depressive for the head, but hey I had fun.

I even smiled at the rubbish, one by one, while throwing them down the chute. I felt as though these rubbish are not just rubbish, but human.

Humans who were never good for my heart and lifeline. Haha.

After my drinking-in-front-of-the-monitor session is over, I would like to sit by my window with my zombified head, smoking sexily and wait for the sun to stare and stalk my super-shy shadow as long as it wishes and leave whenever it pleases.

Oklah people, it is time for me to flirt with the bottles and let the music in my head turn my world around. 

May all of u fucking stop the war and have a fucking good year!

Bye 2006!

Ps : Jens Lekman is coming to Singapore. I can’t wait. I hate to wait.

OKAY SUNDAY

So today, I shut my brain, forget all the wicked scenes and brilliantly dragged my sister down to Vivo, to catch Charlotte’s Web.

After the movie ended, I smiled, she smiled. And yes. I am still smiling now. Why? The show reminds me of many people I meet, I greet and people who I see daily. The people who I would never forget and would welcome them always.

I even recommended it to two taxi-drivers! Something for them to watch with their beloved family. Haha.

Overall, the movie’s is really good. Though the ending is something which my heart can’t handle, lucky thing I have a strategy. That is to ban all sadness before I leave home. Haha.

And oh, I did made friends with three people. Quite amazing huh? I never thought I could easily made friends by being myself. Really.

Oklah globe, my dear comrade Faizal just called. He wants me to join him for supper and drinking green-tea session. Hopefully the meeting won’t turn me into “fat-chick”. Haha.

Merry X’mas all

Ps : My cats are missing still I hope by morn, Santa would tuck them into some-socks and bring them back to me, to me.

TODAY I SPENT…

twenty-two bucks on ciggies. Dumb.
two bucks on food. =(
six bucks on magicbullets. Yay!
two hours on Mellowdrone and Billy Joel. Yo!
two minutes on milkandonion. Whee!

Ok finished.

So now let me predict Wednesday’s lucky number : 4622

Oh wait! Don’t move. Not even a muscle.

If my predictions doesn’t work wonders, don’t blame me. I hate people who heart to blame me for every single stupid thing I say. Stupids!

Ok bye.

ps: my cats are still missing

MY WORLD IS MISSING. HELP

Where : Flooding Capsule
Time : 9.22 am

I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore.
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore.
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore

Boon-boon, Kiki, WHERE ART THOU?!

CHOICE MY LUXURY

When : 2nd December 2006 - 3.16 am
Where : Yahoo/Msn Messenger
What : It freaks the hell out of me
Why : I’m a paranoid freak

Leaving are always sad.

Whether leaving with silence or with words, actions or with inactions, leaving would always be the most excruciating pain for me.

Within these three days, I’ve already abandoned more than thirty people on Yahoo, three on Msn and eleven on land. What do I feel? Very sad but relieve.

I am so relieve cause I could at last choose to bid farewell to all the past conversations, past walks and past looks for the sake of better stumble, better falter, better sway, better twirl, better laugh, better luck and of course, a better LIFE!

With this, I hope somewhere, someday, I would be healed.

But for now, all I want is a good night sleep. Yes, just a simple good night sleep will do.

Oh god,

I know I’ve not been thinking much about u. But please oh please, come into my dream and grow some peace before u leave.

Yours always,
N.Abd

RUNAWAY TRAIN

Dear MR Universe,

I’m left with very few people in my life now.

Why? Cause they don’t deserve anything best from me. They are what I called as “happy weather friends”.

Yes, having them around make my life not worth living. I repeat, NOT WORTH LIVING.

I’ve served them, counselled them, cuddled them, loved them like how I love photography. And yes I also waited for them like a deserted bus-stop waiting for a dying bus to arrive.

Yes. I AM THAT STUPIDO, PATHETICO AND HIGHLY GULLABLE BIATCH.

Therefore today, I decided to erase them one by one. Yay!

I called eleven of them on the phone and I’ve trashed them all together in the same bin, within a day. Today that is.

So now, let me count how many reliable ones I’m left with after the major subtractions.

Onetwo, threethree and four. No! Not four but three.

Yes. Only Smt, Kf and Gedd. And oh! Another one. Myself.

These are the only people who I could hop down the stairs with, play hand-shadows on the wall and get drunk in A&W all day long.

Despite the number of tantrums I threw  perday and darkest moments where I cry, slit and slice myself on my bed, they are here still. Still still still with me. Cough with me. Spit with me. Lick ice-cream and sometimes, dream with me.

Yes, kindness, passion and honesty.

Something that everyone has it but not all of us know how to use it.

Some use it wisely. Some use it carelessly and some never use it at all. Haha.

Myself. I’ve used it carelessly. Everyday.

But not tomorrow. Anymore.

MUCH THE SAME

Hi moon!

In the afternoon, I went to a wedding at Fullerton Hotel with Smt. Dressed in oh-so-kuning punjabi, with a kuning-keramat scarf hanging around my neck, plastic ear-rings and pink crocs covering my smelly feet.

Yes, I admit. I looked as if I’m not there for the wedding but to look for love instead. Haha! 

Oh! The wedding was ohkay-ohkay larh.

Watching the couple’s video-clip makes me nervous until my right knee hitted the table. As if there was a great force telling me not to watch. Stubborn me, I watched till the end. Oh! I almost dropped a glass. Lucky thing I didn’t. 

Anyway, I can’t say much about the wedding cause I’ve never ever dream for a wedding like that. And I know not the groom and bride personally. All I know is their name, Ziraj and Zabrina. And the groom used to study in the same already-bankrupt school as me and Smt. Nothing else.

After the wedding (after the major failure to find love), under sincerely-blue sky, Smt and I then zoomed away. We talked we laughed our hearts loudly like poultry farmers who just caught a hen that lays golden eggs, all the way to Suntec to grab the marathon’s goody bag.

As always, the goodie bag breaks our heart. 

In it, it comes with a number-tag, a oh-look-no-hands shirt, a packet of pasta and some paper trash. Fucken pack of craps co-sponsors! Still got the cheek to shine themselves as big and powerful people on earth! I’d rather waste the money on many many Ikea blankets than letting money fly on this.

Ok time to sleep.

Oh wait! If the couple happens to read this, a million thanks to u for the warm smile. May the love and sincerity forever stay together, along with sweet cries and warm smiles till the end of the burning sun.

Be well!

FROZEN PURPLEISH FRIDAY

What : I am oh-so-vulnerable
Why : Today is the tomorrow I’m worried about yesterday.
So : Was it worth it? Was it? Was it?

I ate my whole Friday by sleeping comfortably on wet pillow.

– — – –

In this life, nothing waits for me, and nobody waits either. If I stand still, waiting and waiting, I would still have to move someday. Why? Cause everything in this world moves. Yes, the whole universe, cosmos and galaxy moves.

If I ever stop somewhere, I would cause a jam. A bad jam, maybe.

Therefore, I’m moving. Slow but moving.

– — – –

It’s raining still. And I’m loving it! Para pap para!

– — – –

It’s almost eight and it’s very suffocating. I must go out. To where? Not know. Anywhere pleasant. Anywhere I could conceive peace and harmony.

Be well!

SIMPLE LOVE

I’m always worried for him.
I asked him to move his legs and his lips,
But he wants to rather freeze and drool,
And watch shadows move and gone.
Move and gone.

Despite the heavy weights on my shoulder.
She still puts her shoulder under mine and carry me inside.

And her old man too.

She’s so much younger than me
And she managed to take my place when I’m not around.

She’s the joy my sister needs
When I’m breathing in the mud.

He never argues.
He never judges.
He’s here to eat biscuits,
To save and to play with paint,
To paint many heads with non-tainted scenes.

Without it,
I would be in sweat.
My bedsheet too.

I need these NOT to avoid being stranded or left out.
I need these to rest my brain.
Rest my brain.

– — – — – –

It have been such a wonderful Saturday. Smt came to visit and offered help to clean some mess, sister’s at home, enjoying her holiday by revisiting her diaries, dad’s at home watching the ceiling-fan spin, feel the wind till eyes goes watery. Hehe.

Sometimes, having them, the simple people to love,  turns hell into place of miracles. I need no pills to stop barking or to heal.

But still, I need “miracle water” to sleep. Everyday. Without it, my head would crack.

It’s almost two now. As soon as my drinking session’s over, I would like to freeze my head and not to move for the next ten hours.

Bonne nuit!

NO MORE REAL SHIT

It is so not cool to hurt my heart. Yes! Never cool.

Therefore today I’ve made my decision to stop being there, here and everywhere for dumbfuck people named [please insert your name here]

Why? His dumbness makes me numb

And for [insert your name here again please] who is never happy with his body and still having phobia of seeing his anak-pisang dick go limp, please oh please stop insulting yourself or else stop meeting me.

For future happiness and good mental health sake, I’ve never want to be close to anyone who is as small as germs again.

Thank u and have a fogging day!

LATE BUT GLAD

Today my garden of stone was covered with haze. *coughcough*

Almost 89.99% Psaions asked me,
“Why haze huh?”
“Why is there a faint smell of burning?”
“Did the Indons did it again?”

Ok thanks for making me look funny. As if I know all the answers.

Maybe to them, I’m God of the day. Yah?

So I replied,
“Maybe god had pressed the wrong button again.”

“Or maybe, since Shonanto is so peaceful, maybe he thought, why not give us a “black and white show” to convince us his presence.”

Sometimes such questions make me feel that it’s better to miss a few sunlights

– — – –

I’m happy tonight and I’m not enjoying it.

Why? Coz I’m happy without reason.

I hope it’s not the glass. I’d rather be admiring blood flowing in tubes than watching glass at every corner of my capsule.

– — – –

Everyone in the office are talking about painting their house. (Hari Raya mood lah. This includes other races too)

Maybe I should paint too.

But before that, I need to find the crack to my dreamweaver 8 first

– — – –

It’s quite hot tonight and it’s peeling my skin. Ok, even my wall is peeling away too.

– — – –

It’s twelve-twenty now. Since there isn’t any soul to ever welcome me home, I will self-welcome into my humble abode. Haha

Yikes! Twelve thirty! I better go now. I need to rise at four to break a few eggs.

Yes. At certain times, breaking eggs can be one very difficult task.

If only cooking-in-wee-hours is forbidden here.

Before crash, enjoy this my dear globe!

Who : Jimi Hendrix
What : Little Wing

Well shes walking through the clouds
With a circus mind thats running round
Butterflies and zebras
And moonbeams and fairy tales
Thats all she ever thinks about
Riding with the wind.

When Im sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles, she gives to me free
Its alright she says its alright
Take anything you want from me, anything
Anything.

Fly on little wing,
Yeah yeah, yeah, little wing

CRINKLING BRAIN

Few moons ago, an old spineless-friend called me spastic.

Why? Coz I looked like one. Or maybe she heard some rumours about my not-properly-developed brain from my unreliable brain surgeon. Hehe.

Am I angry. Yes, before. But I think its better to look spastic than being spineless-superficial biatch. No?

Oh well. Who cares.

What’s  important most is that, I rely on fruits, vegetables and fresh fish to grow and not her spineless and so-kosong body.

– — –

So what’s new? I didn’t fast today.

Why? Stress.

I need cigarettes to work. To fully reassure my brain that everything’s gonna be alright,  I need nicotine, caffein and more more more nicotine.

Yes, I am a cigarette-addict. I should die of [insert terminal illness here] someday. Hehe

– — –

Work has been overly productive lately. Yes, what a darling. Without it I would have to spend my time by idling, watching trees sway and ciggy-smoke fly. 

Anyway, to be superbly honest with u, I’m totally in love with my job.

Though the trip to work by bus sometimes makes me feel lonely slow-motionly, as if I’ve been dumped by love for several times, but when I’m few bus-stops away from the building, I feel so GREAT!

But still, the trip to work still spoils my mood in millions.

Why? I hate sitting on buses. I hate to sit for an hour plus long, growing hips and thighs.

Stand? Standing is boring. I prefer moving back and forth in buses.

Hmmm, maybe I need to learn how to swim like a pro. Who knows, if my ezylink runs dry again, I could just swim to work instead of borrowing money from Smt. Hehe.

– — –

I’m left with eight dollars. Yes, nice number. Being a single-never-rich-queen of Alexandra’s building, I should feel lucky instead of sad. Heh.

– — –

It’s 10.49pm. Time for the queen to sleep.

I hope later on, I would be dreaming of heavy-plus-so-much-violent-petting with [insert name here] more than future. I need to wake up feeling light like feather. Not heavy. Hehe.

Excellent night to all!