Where : Crashing in my head
What : InsomniacNation
When : 4.00 am
Dear Universe,
I broke one of my rules today. Yeah, I cried and cried and cried since yesternight till this very morning for more than eighteen hours in total. If this goes on, pretty soon my eyes would go blind and my blood-pumping-machine would sure to tip-toe it’s way to other needy-body.
Next, I would end up with zero organs in my body and live voluntarily in total darkness for the rest of my life, underneath many piles of soil. Haha!
Damn bloody fuck luck sucks duck!
Why? Well it all started when I do not have much cash in hand and I need to get to work on time, I then asked Mr Zhry the thousandth and one time of friendly request, if he could drive me to work. So that I would still be able to reach the battleground before clock strike nine and I could use the remainder on food and cigarettes instead of throwing them into some cabby’s let’s-fuck-a-lot-fund!
Ok, not all cabby drivers are like that. I know, my bad. Pardon me for saying such, I am in need of letting off some steam here.
After the bla bla bla and due to some unsettled score we had in the past, we fought. BOOMBOOMBOOM!
Yeah, we then screamed out loud every word and every pain we could think of. Oh no, corrections. He didn’t scream. Sorry. It was me.
I screamed about the weather, mother, brother, sister and I also screamed at my cigarettes that lost it’s lighter. I screamed for more than twenty minutes and I didn’t even realized that I am no longer good at shouting anything out loud anymore, until I saw black on my bed, black on my walls and black in my entire room.
Unlike when I was ten. Where I used to be part of school’s choir. Despite harsh cries, singing and shouting out loud at the same time, for so many many hours. I could still see colors everywhere. Red, green, blue, purple, yellow and cyan!
But on second thought, I do think I am good at it still. Hehe.
Maybe what I should do before the fight is I should’ve make sure of myself that I’ve taken more than enough of rest, sleep on proper less-messy bed and take my dinner, supper and also my breakfast seriously. Right?
Ok fuck, drop that! Why am I talking about meal-time when there isn’t any food that would love to stay cheerfully in my body for long. Yes, not even for twenty minutes.
And so, I shouted about eating and I shouted sleeping. I shouted out every emotions that have been bottling up in my almost-dead brain. I shouted about the cock, the rock, the clock, the fork and all the fucking bad flock that stalked and clogged my mind.
The only time I stopped shouting is when my tears started to drip drop drip and drop onto my phone.
Minutes later, before I could get a glass of milk to down my pills, Mr Zhry darling sister smsed me.
“Y d hell did u said I’m bein cold 2u bla bla bla?! Lau aku jahat, aku takkan ajak kau kuar!! Ko ingat ko sorg depression?! Dammit!”
Prior to her sms arrival in my cell’s inbox, I then tried calling her cell. Not once but twice, still she rejected me. I then replied,
“What did he said? Call me first before u start assuming. Don’t be such an asshole. Thank u.”
I know, I am being rude. But I have to. She have been rude to me since I was nineteen.
Bottomline is, rude sender deserve rude reply. Yay.
She replied,
“He said u said I always hang up d fon like I dunwan 2tok 2u. Damnit lah! His own sister is in depression state he dun even care. Fuck lah! I had enuff of living!”
And so I replied,
“Fyi, me as the sender didn’t say or meant that way. If u fucking care to know the hellish truth, fucking call me then. If not, never fly your bloody assumptions on me. Yeah, depressed. Only fucking depressive people understand what sick-in-the-mind victims trying to say. Sorry to say, your bro talked in maths to u. And yeah he failed in it too.”
She replied, “He’s a fuckin asshole! Bcuz of YOU, aku yang kena!!”
I replied,
“So again, u are pointing finger at me? Don’t u ever get tired of it? U blamed me in the past and now, u blame me again. Why don’t u blame your own mirror on the wall? Or I can kindly give u my measuring tape if u need to measure your own sin! Sorry girl, I think your anger, WITHOUT KNOWING THE REAL CONVERSATION, is really unnecessary.”
At this point, everything that happened on 2001, came to life again. I could hear them in my ear, I could feel them in my heart and worst, I could see everyone of them, right here, standing like army of predators in my head.
I replied,
“It is such an insult, really. I can’t believe such educated human who own such a complete set of happy happy family could turned out this way. Where is your heart? Where is the brain? Are those things merely decorations to u people? I fucking abhor your rudeness towards me from the very first day. Don’t u ever call me again unless u need a heart to heart conversation with me!”
She replied,
“Eh Pandai berbual. I always tot ur not wat u seem. But now u dah tunjuk belang. Stop calling my brother and stop asking him 2help u!”
I replied,
“Right. Is that all u’ve got? Why don’t u ask your brother what had actually happened? And oh, did my sms hurt your heart, your brain or your ego? Why don’t u call me and tell me what u think of me personally? Why? Cause u yourself knew that u, your bro and everybody in the whole universe are nothing but imperfect dummies? Yeah, that’s right. Belang! My sentiments exactly! U be well girl, your problem is nothing compared to mine”
So that was it. Thanks to the rain and my almost-dying refrigerator, I am cool now. Clingy cool air, does help me sometimes. Hoorey!
Though the deep scars that they left in my heart years ago are something that would make me want to slit their throat, then grind their heart, mix and toss it so hard, as much they tossed mine, I think it would be wise if I welcome Karma to haunt them down instead.
Dear Mr oh-so-kind Zhry,
Thanks for being a failed-to-listen listener.
The message u conveyed to your darling sister have successfully created more frictions to some rare-creations. Yeah, u heard me wrong earlier on. So wrong till she subconsciously pointed her fat finger at me.
I tried calling her but her ego stopped her picking-up/answering/entertaining my calls.
Maybe truth is NOT important to human anymore, yeah? Or maybe she only wants to listen to what she wants to hear.
If only u would have been a little more attentive and really listened to my words very very carefully, less carelessly, I guess there won’t be any mishaps this morning.
It’s really ok. Let the world see me very ugly. I am not here to impress anyone who ever rejected me before. Or was it me, myself and I been rejecting myself? Oh well…
All I know I am here just to share my life with anyone who like to share their life with me. This includes animal and all the fanatically patriotic pigs too!
And yeah thanks for the helping hands u’ve given me. Without those hands,I would have stuffed all my family’s skeleton into my blue-yellow-closet.
The money? Don’t u worry. I will pay as soon as I have the extra money. If I failed to do so, I would haunt CPF and NTUC to pay every single nickle u gave me.
Yeah, I’ve nominated u. Only u and Fzh.
Why? First of all, I don’t know when I would have that much money to pay every single thing to u. Secondly, due to your kindness towards me for nine long years, I dont’t think I would be an evil enough to run away with your hard-earned money like that. And the very last reason is, I don’t know if I could still breathe in breathe out that long in future.
Though I can’t say “YES” to u each time u asked me to be the one for u, due to our past failures, family conflicts, fears and differences. I can’t deny that of all many people I’ve met, u are one of the few who I would like to grow up with - You, Fzh, Smt and A.Fau.
U guys are not just friends but family who would be my witnesses when I can’t pry open my eyes, some-end-day.
Be well.
