MAY HE PUNISH U IN A CARING WAY

What : White trash executes Saddam
Why : Oil is richer than water
When : 30th December 2006

Yesternight I planned to roam around somewhere to do some brain-and-soul-washing with my sister but I ended up cancelling every plans, stayed in my room, window shutted, watched BBC and CNN till late evening.

Yeah Saddam is gone and terrorist have won. Iraq is forever terrorist’s battleground. Mecca is next. Future kids become our future-sufferers.

If I happen to have kids someday, I will ban my brain from telling history of Saddam to them.

Why? Because I am not a good story teller.

Even if I’m good, I would surely end up looking like a good death-penalty-supporter instead of a good mother. Sigh.

Ok enough. Let’s talk about my new year plan instead. Whee.

2007, I want to get a driving licence, a man and his neck
2007, I want to make more money by selling off my AB+ blood
2007, I want to frighten, topple and execute Bush in my dream
2007, I want nicotine to change me into a healthy person
2007, I want to improve the way how I hold my cancer-sticks
2007, I want to improve my talking, huffing and puffing skills

Last but never the least, I want nicotine to be more popular than oil. Not just popular. But be very popular.

Ok bye!

OKAY SUNDAY

So today, I shut my brain, forget all the wicked scenes and brilliantly dragged my sister down to Vivo, to catch Charlotte’s Web.

After the movie ended, I smiled, she smiled. And yes. I am still smiling now. Why? The show reminds me of many people I meet, I greet and people who I see daily. The people who I would never forget and would welcome them always.

I even recommended it to two taxi-drivers! Something for them to watch with their beloved family. Haha.

Overall, the movie’s is really good. Though the ending is something which my heart can’t handle, lucky thing I have a strategy. That is to ban all sadness before I leave home. Haha.

And oh, I did made friends with three people. Quite amazing huh? I never thought I could easily made friends by being myself. Really.

Oklah globe, my dear comrade Faizal just called. He wants me to join him for supper and drinking green-tea session. Hopefully the meeting won’t turn me into “fat-chick”. Haha.

Merry X’mas all

Ps : My cats are missing still I hope by morn, Santa would tuck them into some-socks and bring them back to me, to me.

FEAR OR FAITH

It’s weekends and I am under pressure. All thanks to my three days of crying. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Yeah, I cried and cried like a semi-retarded housewife who lost her permanant-basis sweetheart in a bomb blast.

Why? Oh no! I am not going to write them down. 

Even if I jotted them down, one by one, phrase by phrase, I am sure to end up feeling so helpless for unable to squeeze out any potential juice to solve it. 

Anyway nobody gives a flying fuck about it. Haha!

Rather than getting overly sad over problems that is driving me to the death-bed on weekend, guess it is better for me to suck some cancer-sticks and smoke these problem away.

Yeah I know. Smoking won’t help.

Perhaps I should just find something less comfortable to wear, go somewhere familiar, be bizarre, pop some pills, get more guts, fucking get a man, pretend to be happy, few rounds of heavy patting, sex sex sex, sway my arms up the ceiling, relax and happily write them down publicly on the day after, for people who hangs my picture secretly in their heart

Ok I know, I don’t have much qualities to be a [insert any fucking profession u can think of yourself]

I should just do it in my dream. Ok dream away.

Bye.

IMBAS KEMBALI, MARi

Bila : 5TH MAY 2006

Wawa kucingku baharu ku hantarnya ke Mount Pleasant Hospital.

Disebabkan cecair yang berhubung dekat dengan parunya, kini hampir keseluruhan organ-organ yang dahulunya kawan kepadanya, dalam diam-diam sudah bertukar menjadi pengkhianat. Sehinggakan Wawa ku terbaring di hospital berkenaan. Terbaring kaku sambil melawan kesakitan yang terasa. Sendirian.

Tak aku, tak mereka, tak siapa yang tahu akan bertapa peritnya berada di tempatnya.

Wawa sayang,
Dengar sini kata ku baik-baik.

Aku disini akan sentiasa berteriak kuat ke arah langit. Melayangkan kedua tangan ku yang sedang tadah ke arah NYA, meminta agar kau dapat bermain-main seperti sediakala.

Moga-moga segala teriakkan doa ku akan dapat didengar jelas oleh NYA.

Insya ALLAH, bila kau dah sembuh nanti, akan ku bawa kau ke Kent Ridge Park. Agar kita sama-sama dapat menghitung bintang. Sehingga langit yang gelap bertukar menjadi terang.

Sembuh please Wawa sayang

6TH MAY 2006

Genap pada jam 7.15 malam, di bawah langit Sabtu yang bocor. Sebelom darling sepenuh masaku Wawa diinjek dengan cecair Euthanasia, Wawa telah memberiku satu teriakkan yang sukar untuk aku lupakan.

Teriakkan dimana pernah aku dengar dahulu. Dimana ibuku memekik ke arah aku dan dia.

“Lepas Wawa dah bukak mata…”
“Aku nak kau buang dia…”
“Dekat kedaikopi bawah blok 603 tuh…”

Walau dibuangnya sebanyak dua kali, aku tetap mencarinya dan bawa Wawa pulang ke rumah.

Ke rumah yang tidak punya kebahagian mahupon ketenteraman.

Meskipon aku tahu rumah ku sering didatangi sederet masalah, aku tetap mahu Wawa…
tinggal dekat dengan ku. Dekat selalu pada ku.

Mungkin disebabkan rumah yang selalu membuat ku terkucil ini, tembok paru emponya Wawa jadi lemah, lalu mati semua darah pertahanannya. Seperti matinya seorang askar yang mati di tangan si pembunuh. Pembunuh yang bernombor satu iaitu Kanser.

Iya, pembunuh yang telah membunuh Rubiah Suratman ku suatu masa dahulu.

Benar. KANSER pembunuh yang paling cilaka.

Sehingga organ-organnya ikut runtuh sekali. Lalu titis demi titis airmata ku dengan cepat terbahak keluar.

Oh Wawa sayang ku, maafkan aku jikalau selama in aku jarang memberi mu perhatian dan kasih sayang yang penuh, yang sempurna.

Aku terpaksa menutup segala layarmu, mengakhiri dan menghanyutkan segala jalan cerita mu yang kini penuh dengan keperitan dan penderitaan yang tak terperi.

Aku berharap tinggi kau akan sentiasa berasa aman. Dan mengenal akan sebuah kebahagian yang kekal di Kent Ridge Hill.

Tempat dimana aku sentiasa menghabiskan masa, bermain dan berbicara sendirian, semenjak aku kecil sehinggalah dewasa. Dan mungkin sehingga aku tua bangka kelak.

Moga-moga dengan keputusan yang telah mencuri nafasmu ini, engkau sudah tidak lagi bertanya kenapa dan mengapa kau dilukai.

Rehat elok-elok Wawa ku. Engkau sentiasa di pertengahan minda ku.

Ps : Boone-boone and Kiki are still missing

WEREWORLDHOWL

I’ve talked, I’ve whined and I’ve slapped my own mirror. And now it’s time for me to rest my arms, on my lap and silently watch how the world trying their best to manipulate me.

Here’s my favourite song to all the oh-so-cruel ones…

Screams break the silence
Waking from the dead of night
Vengence is boiling
Hes returned to kill the light
Then when hes found who he’s looking for
Listen in awe and you’ll hear him

Bark at the moon

Years spent in torment
Buried in a nameless grave
Now he has risen
Miracles would have to save
Those that this beast is looking for
Listen in awe and you’ll hear him

Bark at the moon

They cursed and buried him
Along with shame
And thought his timeless soul had gone
In empty burning hell–unholy one
But now he’s returned to prove them wrong (oh no)

Howling in shadows
Living in a lunar spell
He finds his heaven
Spewing from the mouth of hell

And when he finds who he’s looking for
Listen in awe and you’ll hear him
Bark at the moon.

TODAY I SPENT…

twenty-two bucks on ciggies. Dumb.
two bucks on food. =(
six bucks on magicbullets. Yay!
two hours on Mellowdrone and Billy Joel. Yo!
two minutes on milkandonion. Whee!

Ok finished.

So now let me predict Wednesday’s lucky number : 4622

Oh wait! Don’t move. Not even a muscle.

If my predictions doesn’t work wonders, don’t blame me. I hate people who heart to blame me for every single stupid thing I say. Stupids!

Ok bye.

ps: my cats are still missing

ROTTEN DAY

I had a bad day today and it ended pretty badly. It all started when a question was not given an answer but a lame reason. Till it made me cried and cried of so unhappy tears.

And that is not the only thing.

I even cried over some fish in a tiffin, people’s weird behaviour and also some matters at work that fucked my heart and brain.

Yes my love. Crying does make a superwoman turn into a super-sick woman.

No. Not that kinda sick till u want to kill someone, or worst, kill myself! But sick, where I could see my fingers shaking, feel my heart burning and body trembling uncontrollably.

I know. I sounded so needy and weak again now.

But believe me, I am not promoting pain here and I’ve never planned all these to happen.

It occured so fast, so sudden. Like zappzippzoom then BANG!! 

Until I couldn’t squeeze any solutions on time to prevent the evening from turning ugly. And for your info, I am not a fast-learner when it comes to need-a-hanky-kinda-issues.

Maybe due to a bad start I had the day before, ya? That’s why EVERYTHING ended this way.

Oh well, temporary phase. It will pass.

Yeah it wil.

Ps : My darling cats are missing still

LOVE YOU BREATHING ROOM

Where : Breathing Room
Why : Breathless
When : December 11th, 10.33 pm

Ok! I’m back (insane again).

Let me begin with the sky. Hmm, afternoon sky stung my eyes. Though I can’t see well, but I could still see. Like in the dreams. Meaningless.

Lunch? Just ciggies and two bottles of green tea. Yes, I had mundane lunch too.

After lunch I had a few conversations with the old-timer. Yeah, once again, yakketing about life. Yada yada yada, then back to life again. Next is work. Boo!

At 4pm, while I was walking to the lift, on my way up to the 38th floor, instantly I fell asleep. Yes, I am good at walking and sleeping at the same time. Maybe someday, when death-day comes, I could even bury my body myself too! Hell yeah!

Almost 5 pm, I was hoping for a phonecall. Or maybe several! Phonecalls from someone who might have seen my cats somewhere.

Yeah, I lost my darling cats yestermorn. And their disappearance is forcing me to sleep and sleep and sleep for a very super-dooper long time.

After 6pm, I felt drained. And cold. Very cold. And lifeless.

Their disappearance is torturing me.

At 8pm, I’m home! Yes, at last I’m in the breathing room. Soon, our new friend name Xanax would join me. Not one but three of them. Whee!

So there my universe, that’s my Monday. The day where I saw many mirrors hanging around my eyes.

Goodnight Universe!

MY WORLD IS MISSING. HELP

Where : Flooding Capsule
Time : 9.22 am

I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore.
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore.
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore
I do not know what I’m doing anymore

Boon-boon, Kiki, WHERE ART THOU?!

KEBETULANNYA

Hari ini aku rasakan diriku seolah-olah seperti seekor burung. Burung yang berterbangan dibawah awan, membawa cacing-cacingnya keluar dari sarang. Bawanya kesana kemari, menjamah angin sambil menonton mentari. Tak kira dari mana asalnya mahupon apa jantinanya, akan tetap aku, dia dan mereka saksikan segala ciptaan dari pencipta yang sama.

Bila sampai waktunya, akan dicampaknya mereka ke mulut-mulut yang tahan menunggu dan lama bersedia. Dari ke satu mulut hingga entah ke berapa. Berusaha hingga kurang tenaga.

Walaupon sudah berkali menonton mereka yang mati ketika mencuba, perang harus dilawan dan terus terus terus berlawan. Berlawan hingga berjaya menembusi tembok yang berkaca. 

Bak kata mereka “Belum cuba, belum tahu!”

Jikalau modal yang dibawa oleh ku banyak, sah tergelak riang burung-burung besar dan jikalau belen modal ku masih lebih akan dicampaknya ke mulut burung-burung kecil dan juga serangga-serangga yang selalu ada. Yang tak pernah gagal menemani, tak kira dimana daku berada. Agar bertambah makna erti satu nyawa.

Senang kata, selagi burung kenari masih boleh bernyanyi, akan daku terus memberi dan memberi dan memberi. 

Supaya hidupnya aku, hidupnya semua bersama-sama. Hingga udara untuk ku, hilang entah kemana.

Selamat malam dunia!

IT HURTS AND I’M LOVING IT!

What : Unidentified Flying Objects
Where : In my head
When : 5th December 2006 – 2 am

Weather is brilliant but my head is fucking sore. So is my throat. Been trying to rest well and imagine something nice, like a gigantic kiss or a free lunch with someone who I admire secretly but ended up with irritatingly bad memories.

Perhaps there is no such thing as a FREE LUNCH, huh? Hahahaha!

At 1 am, I’ve gained more and more flying earthlings. It causes my head to be oh-so-damn heavy and I don’t feel sexy anymore! It’s like a trip to hell, hell and more HELL!

Go get a doctor? No saving, no money and my one and only salary is still on hold. Why? Beats me!

Call a friend? Who? Smt?

He’s sleeping already! I bet he’s currently talking to songbirds in his dream right now. Haha!

Maybe I should go and download Superman and watch some Oprah Winfrey Show to power-up my tomorrows.

Sigh.

Wouldn’t it be nice if only I could download a friend and a few mugs of A&W Rootbeer just like how I downloaded Superman and Oprah? Ok crap. Haha!

Iyi Geceler!

CHOICE MY LUXURY

When : 2nd December 2006 - 3.16 am
Where : Yahoo/Msn Messenger
What : It freaks the hell out of me
Why : I’m a paranoid freak

Leaving are always sad.

Whether leaving with silence or with words, actions or with inactions, leaving would always be the most excruciating pain for me.

Within these three days, I’ve already abandoned more than thirty people on Yahoo, three on Msn and eleven on land. What do I feel? Very sad but relieve.

I am so relieve cause I could at last choose to bid farewell to all the past conversations, past walks and past looks for the sake of better stumble, better falter, better sway, better twirl, better laugh, better luck and of course, a better LIFE!

With this, I hope somewhere, someday, I would be healed.

But for now, all I want is a good night sleep. Yes, just a simple good night sleep will do.

Oh god,

I know I’ve not been thinking much about u. But please oh please, come into my dream and grow some peace before u leave.

Yours always,
N.Abd