THE LIGHT OF MANY LIVES

When : 31st, Octoberust 2006
Where : Bus 61
Time : 3 pm
Who : Foodseller’s kids

I am too obsessed with kids.
How I wish I could turn back time
And obtain super-happening happiness,
Not silence.

When I was a kid,
I had always wished,
Someone would took my picture like this.
Like this.

Looking at her
Makes me want to push myself
Onto the mirror.
Into the mirror.

I wish that was me yesterday.
The kid who never drained
Never tired when tears surfaced.

I’ve failed being a kid.
Now I’m old.
But still, it’s never too late.

Perhaps I’m already late

BIG TABLE FOR A CUP

When : 31st, Octoberust 2006
Where : Coffee Table
Time : 10.18 pm

I have plenty of debts. That means I am still needed. Though debts makes my life less promising, but hey…

JUST YAY!

OOPS!

When : Monday, 30th Octoberust 2006
Where : Capsule
Time : 11.51 pm

I was almost ruined. No, not about love or rejection, but about something I said, to someone whom I talked almost everyday today. A collegue who keeps Jesus in his heart.

It all started when I jokingly said, “I want to be a lesbian”

I know that I’m NEVER suited to be one. And there won’t be any woman who wants me. Hehe. And whatever shits I blurted out today was merely a joke. Anyway, who would believe my words? Me? A LESBIAN? Yeah right!

I can’t even take care of myself. How am I going to take care of another troublesome woman. Duh!

After hearing the magic word “lesbian”, my collegue’s mind started to float to somewhere dark.

“So u want to just have sex all day?”
“Like a hippie hah?!”

My mouth started throwing cannonballs,
“Well, Jesus do looked like a hippie to me”

Yes. How insensitive of me.

I thought it would be a nice gift for his Monday morning, but HELL NO!

The bomb ticked and eyes can’t stop staring at me. I didn’t hide nor run. I ended everything with a very insensitive smile instead of detonating the bomb or taking cover.

As if, god would side my words and kindly put a shelter on me somewhere.

I know talking, or worse, joking about religon can be a taboo sometimes, but still, I’ve failed to tame my mouth. I feel very dizzy and disgusted if I hold back too many words in the head.

Though calling Jesus a hippie is all due to his appearence, his hair, his dressing. So shabby and ropes (are those things around his waist called ropes?) dangling here and there. But doesn’t mean I said he looked like a hippie have to be a hippie! Right?

It’s his dressing, his appearance in movies and some painting. That’s all.

Of course, the damage is already done and there isn’t anything much I could do now except admitting my mistake and apologize.

In future, I better heed the old-timer’s advice, not be too honest when delivering jokes. Hold some for own head to laugh before someone decapitates my head. Hehe.

Ps : I am really sorry [insert name here please]. Very. And also to anyone who reads this. I’m sorry.

Oh wait! Can anyone tell me what “p.s” means? I used it umpteen times and I know nuts about it. Haha!

Yes, I am so bodoh and so anyhow kinda woman. And that’s a fact!

Bonne nuit globe!

MILISECOND MOMENT

BOY : How do we keep love alive?
GIRL : Breathe
BOY : Just breathe?
BOY : Give me three months…
GIRL : U’ll be gone?

WOMEN : Some are lucky.
MAN : Some not.
WOMEN : We are not talking about moving in.
MAN : Yeah right.

HE : I am seriously growing tired of it.
SHE : I shouldn’t reveal about life…
SHE : About my life
HE : Thank God
HE : I don’t have to pretend anymore.

HE : I choose u.
SHE : I love u.
HE : I pick u.
SHE : I’m waiting to fall again

Everywhere gives me a glimpse of yersterday

PAIN PROMPTS

When : Sunday, Octoberust 29th 2006
Where : In the seed
Time : 12.05 am

I’m here again. My story has not ended yet.

Today’s evening, my so called uncle came with wifey and baby. They came but no one attended them. They were left alone, in the living room with a dead tube.

My sister was crying, at work. Dad was at the kitchen watching fish turned to trash, mom was in her room. So am I. Mom silently watching the tube, while me silently pulling my hair and slapping myself to sleep. Smt, silently doing nothing.

It’s painful. I can’t settle here. Never.

I should have bought myself a new green bedsheet than glasses and bowls for Syawal.

What the point of contributing when no one in the house respects Syawal and slaughtered Ramadhan? What’s the point of being nice when they could only give me a smile after trashing me hard?

Sigh. I’ve lost respect on them. For Syawal too. Except for my innocent darling sister and few kitties who made life lively.

Only they, deserve my respect to the max.

FORCES OF MOI

When : Saturday, Octoberust 28th 2006
Where : In the seed
Time : Troubled me

Today I spent the whole day in my room, with Smt, watching the tube and practising to calm myself down. Yes, I felt agitated. Mega agitated. And my neighbours who are few doors away from me felt it too.

This is what happens when anger strikes back. I would end up screaming at the walls till it cracked and glasses shattered. While Smt, patiently watched me till his skin got real tight till it ripped him piece by piece.

What can I say? It’s painful to have me as a friend.

One minute I plant flowers in a heart-shaped-pot, next minute I would plant bombs in the heart. 

I really hate myself. I really really hate myself more than I hate my flesh and blood who left me since I was born.

I feel so sorry for Smt.

I know I am not someone useful anymore. And having me around, there’s nothing I could give or provide with except waiting for something bad to happen…

Except waiting for something bad to happen.

24TH OCTOBERUST SKY

 Hello. I’m not gone yet. I’ve more downfall to update. Hehe.

That day I got liquor in my hair, black tar on my green sweater’s hood, some shit on my jeans and dirty panty on my bed, on my face, near my mouth.

Tomorrow. Not know. 

If I feel my hands belong to me no more, maybe I should go and sell off my fingers to some fingerfood-vendors so that I could get more redbull, to get lost and get half-blacked-out again.

Yes. I got ten-kg-hammer in my head. And a elephant-sized-dagger in the heart.

YES! I’m that ruined.

NOT STRAIGHT. NEVER.

Today what I’ve realised is, the easiest things that make me live are the things that could kill me easily too. Hehe.

Guess I need not to think of suicide anymore then. No?

– — – –

Went to ToaPayoh Swimming Complex with Smt. It sucks. Why? It sucks to see Smt fail his test. If only I knew some lady-luck out there. If.

– — – –

I think, whoever gets too close to me would fall hard just like me. This includes all living things. All.

– — – –

There’s no more redbull cause there isn’t any liquid cash in my wallet now. Ok no. I still have sixteen dollars. But I need these till next month. To get my hardpack cigarettes. Hehe.

Maybe I could use my family’s Rootbeer to boost my Vodka tonight. Maybe.

– — – –

Ouch! Even the slightest things called dust, stung me.
Yes. Nothing love me.

Only nothing knows what love means.

MASA DIKAU PENCEMAR

Whoah! Lihat tuh! Masa bergerak pantas. Berterbangan selaju kilat menyambar di kala hujan lebat di waktu matahari terbeliak terang. Menyambar dan terus menyambar mata sehingga terjejas penglihatan.

Oh penglihatan, mata pencarian ku!

FEW GOOD MEN

He’s Little Shn.

Without him, my drinking water tastes different. In fact, everything tastes different now.

Yes, he’s no longer with us.

Thanks to his oh-so-lazy-bones and some people’s red-eyes, they send him to suicidal site of late lunch and zero friday-prayers.

He’s my Darling Smt.

A friend who won’t leave me talking to the tree and lumpy mud alone.

Without him, blood in my veins won’t sing, head on my neck won’t dance and drum in my heart won’t beat.

I’ll be dead if he’s not here with me.

He’s Papa Slh.

To me, his name, suits the overall impression of a filial fisherman.

To feed all his three girls (and me) and his smiley wife, so five in total. He’d left home early in the morning and return late in sweat, with legs and hands full of red mosquito bites

In his hands, a plastic of fresh-fish for the family to eat.

He’s Brother Jhd. He’s there for everyone.

No matter where or when, dark and quiet the street is, for friendship’s sake and sometime for an extra liquidcash, he would kindly assist u, supply u and entertain u with his never-fail-to-make-me-smile snore.

He’s Uncle Dia.

Each time I watched him talk, I see short and long bitter swimming in his hazy eyes.

Bitter with choice but was asked to sleep and left to rot.

Sigh.

What he need is a wife to baby him around. Any takers?

SIMPLE LOVE

I’m always worried for him.
I asked him to move his legs and his lips,
But he wants to rather freeze and drool,
And watch shadows move and gone.
Move and gone.

Despite the heavy weights on my shoulder.
She still puts her shoulder under mine and carry me inside.

And her old man too.

She’s so much younger than me
And she managed to take my place when I’m not around.

She’s the joy my sister needs
When I’m breathing in the mud.

He never argues.
He never judges.
He’s here to eat biscuits,
To save and to play with paint,
To paint many heads with non-tainted scenes.

Without it,
I would be in sweat.
My bedsheet too.

I need these NOT to avoid being stranded or left out.
I need these to rest my brain.
Rest my brain.

– — – — – –

It have been such a wonderful Saturday. Smt came to visit and offered help to clean some mess, sister’s at home, enjoying her holiday by revisiting her diaries, dad’s at home watching the ceiling-fan spin, feel the wind till eyes goes watery. Hehe.

Sometimes, having them, the simple people to love,  turns hell into place of miracles. I need no pills to stop barking or to heal.

But still, I need “miracle water” to sleep. Everyday. Without it, my head would crack.

It’s almost two now. As soon as my drinking session’s over, I would like to freeze my head and not to move for the next ten hours.

Bonne nuit!

LEBIH DARI KATA

Adakala aku ingin kekata yang tulen.
Adakala aku ingin kekata
Yang bercanda riang dengan lucu.
Tapi adakala aku tak inginkan apa-apa.

Bayangkan aku jatuh.
Bayangkan aku bangun.
Bayangkan aku berdarah.
Barangkan aku menyerah.
Bayangkan aku, aku.

Batunya aku bila dipersia-siakan.
Batunya aku bila dibaling-balingnya.
Batunya aku di tempat dimana aku berani namakan rumah.

Aku tak tahu.
Siapa, apa, dia, mereka, kita.
Apa yang aku tahu 
Hanyalah sesuatu yang aku tak tahu.

Ngeri bila disambut mentari.
Itulah emosi yang sedang ku alami.
Tak kira waktu mahupon hari. Ngeri.

DIAM LENNON, DIAM!

Oh Lennon…

I’ve been makan like there’s no tomorrow. Now my perut besar and I end up mengular di katil. I don’t know apa sudah happened to me. Dan I sikitpon tidak berminat untuk mahu ambil tahu tentang apa yang sudah happening to me. Sebab dari awal-awal, I dah tahu, my perut besar, sebab my perut banyak ulat. Haha.

Oh Lennon…

My mata very dry macam my skin. My skin pula semakin dry seperti kulit collegue I. Why? Why? Why? I don’t know why. Fuck why. Bukankah peperangan ulat sudah mula berleluasa?

Oh Lennon…

My otak so blank and I’m so ashamed of it. Ini gara-gara banyak makan punya pasal, sampai otak sudah diconfigured oleh ulat. Haha.

Oh Lennon…

I nak baring tapi pinggang sakit. Yes, tak badminton, tak swimming pon pinggang tetap sakit. Ini berpunca dari kekurangan belaian oleh sang belalai. Oh abang belalai yang lalai! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh Lennon…

Hari ini TV takde program yang menarik. Sungguh kecewe rasanya. Auw!

Oh Lennon…

Hari ini malam Isnin. Tapi I sangka malam Rabu.

Oh Lennon…

My perut masih lapar. Mungkin ulat-ulat dalam perut I sedang sibuk berparti, meraih kemenangan atas kejayaan mereka menewaskan I. 

Oh Lennon! Sampai bila I nak let it be?

Let it be nih?

SELAMAT KEMBALI DEPRESSI

Semalam otak ku sekali lagi merosakkan harta Tuhan.

Sudah berkali mata yang heran memandang, merenung tekun dengan penuh kritik atas tindakan yang dipandang seolah-olah aku wanita hilang pedoman, tapi dengan tanpa segan-silu, aku terus menghiris-hiris kemana kulit yang takut pada matahari, kulit yang sering bersembunyi di bawah kain.

Katanya aku seolah bernyanyi, “Selepas sesi hiris menghiris, hilanglah sakitnya sayang”

Ya hilang. Memang benar sungguh nyanyiannya. Walau dipaksa jauh otakku merayap, memang sukar aku menolak.

Ia seperti pakcik ku suatu ketika dulu. Ketika dia marah. Meskipon dia gagal untuk mencari formula yang boleh mendatangkan alasan kukuh tentang akan sebabnya dia marah, setelah dicampaknya aku kata caci-maki dan muka kakinya terbang ke arah belakang hati, akhirnya diamlah dia dan aku, terus bebas dari mati.

Tindakan aku kini, sama inti nya. Yang lain hanyalah luaran nya. Jikalau dikopek lapisan nya, satu persatu persatu, akan tiada perbedaannya. Sumpah. Aku tidak bohong. Percaya lah. Aku bukan dia yang mereka ceritakan. Aku mengelar untuk hidup…

Bukan mengelar untuk mati.

AKU HANYA INTIM

Oh hai dunia!

Pejam celik pejam celik, usia hampir jejak tigapuluh. Ya, nombor bercorak dua circumference, yang bersimbolkan jarak mundur dan jarak maju ku di peringkat minimun.

Meskipon perjalanan ku sentiasa diiringi dengan pelbagai perlajaran, huru-hara kehidupan masih tidak dapat ku sekiankan. Semakin aku bekerja keras untuk menyelesai dan menghuraikan yang patut, keupayaan untuk mara hanya wujud di mimpi sahaja.

Mimpi yang memuaskan. Pada ku.

Segala ketagihan yang kerap diajarnya oleh ibuku Rubi, iaitu ketagihan untuk menang, semakin lupus. Ibarat pokok yang sedang membesar, yang terpaksa mati setelah lemah akarnya jadi. Lalu terlahirnya process penukaran warna secara besar-besaran kepada kulit, dahan serta ranting, sehingga dedaun yang berwarna hijau penuh, yang pernah dahulunya mempersonakan dunia, kini menjelma sekering ranting. Menunggu akan hari jatuhnya ke tanah, menyerah segalanya ke process pereputan. Lalu hilang begitu sahaja, seperti debu.

Itulah aku.

Secara percuma, tanpa menghentam hati, aku sudah rela berhenti bertanya,

“Kenapa oh kenapalah aku jadi begini…”