ONE MINUTES HERE

I’ve bought a bottle of susucapjunjung. And I have 2 ciggies left.

Today I’m grateful for susucapjunjung and 2 sticks of Marlboro Light.

FORTYFIVE MINUTES HERE

So, today I shall call it as a feel-good day. Why? Well thanks to the good weather, good food, good fight, good musique, good smoke, good boyfriend and some of the good “moves” I did today.

Apart from doing my daily houseworks and daily cookings, I did something that I thought would always remain in my fear-list for the rest of my life. Good lord! It didn’t.

What is it?

First I had a fist to fist conversation with someone in the family. Why? To maintain my self-worth. 

I do not want to see my limbs stand stiff as a board whenever he personal attacked me. I am not a victim. Never.

I’m a superwoman. A 27 years of age superwoman. Not 60. I do not want to end up being a patient of a Stiff-Person Syndrome (SPS) at a very young age. Hehe. Since he’s proud to attack me, I have every right to fight back. I also have the right to twist his sleeping dicky if I had to. Hehe.

The second good thing I did was, I went to pay my darl’s mom a visit at one of the oldest hospital along Alexandra Road. Though we didn’t manage to talk much, maybe due to her weak condition. All was good.

Next best thing is, he introduced me to his family. Yessereee, WHOLE BIG FAMILY. Not a very nice place to start though. But hey! If god wants me to be there, can I ever say NO to HIM?

Anyway, I am glad that I’ve overcome two of my stubborn-fear.

I hope with this, I am well equipped and well-trained to make our life a better place to live in. I am not asking for the best. I am just asking for a momentary bliss to my and his good existance.

Tommorow, I mean today, Monday. I hope it will be another feeling-good day. Even though many hates Monday due to the dead weights of workloads on their shoulders, I hope everything would turns out fine.

Yes, everything would turns out as fine as a goodwine.

Goodnight!

FIFTEEN MINUTES HERE

Friday night, I was supposed to show my face to his golfer mom for the first time, but I deliberately popped few light-blue pills so that I would be half-paralysed and would only felt half a guilty for declining his kind invitation.

I know, many would say he means well.

But for my part here, I am still not sure where would this relationship go. Where exactly is he bringing me to? I can’t be blaming GOD or fate all the time u know. I need to know. Give me the details. I do not want to overplayed my role. No.

Seriously speaking, being a wax-dummy or anyone’s lust-machine is NOT my ambition.

I don’t see or feel special on that night. I kept reminding him and also myself that anything waist-down, underneath my bellybutton belongs to my “mom” and definitely not for anyone to touch. Unless he wants me to tak me be his lawful wedded wife larh…

Anyway, whatever fuck that almost happened on Thursday night was partially my mistake. Yes my mistake, my mistake, my mistake.

I should’ve brushed him off and insisted him on watching the DVD with me quietly instead of smooching a little far…. …. …. …. ….

Yes, that smooching part makes me wanna quit this relationship on this very second. Almost. But for love and some-room-for-error sake, I won’t.

I hope it won’t repeat.

I hope he would continuously admire, respect, adore and love me as much as I admired, respected, adored and loved him.

Hope…

SEVEN MINUTES HERE

I was half-asleep, then I heard someone, a woman’s voice, whining in some language. I thought the sound comes from a dog. Seconds later, as the sound grew louder, it’s obviously belongs to a woman.

Oh well, it must have been some wet-poosie lesbians making out.

Anyway, I just found out that, one of the commonest faces on TV, a charming host of Roda Impian, named Hani Mohsin, also an actor, passed away days ago at the age of 43.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raajiun – From GOD we came, to HIM we shall return.

He passed away due to a sudden heart attack. Apparently he is an orphan. No relatives except for his 10 year old daughter and ex-wife Datin Tiara.

Yes, life is so……. nevermind

Let’s just say GOD loves him more than us the living ones. May peace be upon him and may strength be with the loved-ones.

My heartfelt condolences to his family and friends for their loss.

Al-fateha

TWENTYFIVE MINUTES HERE

Monday is arriving soon.

After a few days off, I’m all set to be back to work! NOT!

Though my brain’s reacting disturbingly slow, I hope these bubbly looking pills would ferry me to greendreamland and won’t go around abusing my micro brain cells.

What ever it is, I have a lot of stress going on in my life this week and I am not talking about it.

Day in and out, I’ve been keeping myself busy by weaving solutions to some manageble problems. And sometimes sleeping on it for more than thirteen hours, does helps. Though everyone in the house knew that I have problems of my own. Sadly, some still pester me with their easy-to-settle problems. But when it is my part, no one is interested to know.

I hope, by listening, talking less, knodding my head more would able to squeeze out brain-juice directly from their penis-balls-sized brain to solve their problems. Haha.

I am exhausted…

My brain’s turning to jelly. I think what I need is love, more encouragement and faith.

THIRTYFIVE MINUTES HERE

What makes Mao writes?

Well, I would only start writting when talking to someone is madness and food is useless.

What makes Mao mad?

When people unintentionally hurting me repeatedly starts bribing me sweets and movie tickets.

What makes Mao happy?

Problems settled and settling down with love and joy.

What makes Mao cry?

Happiness?

What makes Mao a stronger human?

Seeing crab sticks instead of crab’s meat lying on dinner plates.

Who brings happiness into Mao’s life?

Nobody.

What makes Mao want to die?

Feeling unimportant and less needed.

What makes Mao wants to wake up everyday?

I would love to live without sleep when there’s no hate. Hatred ruins everything. Please oh please believe me.

What makes Mao wants to kill God?

When he gets in my way.

What makes Mao loves God?

When cats and dogs are no longer living on streets.

Who is in Mao’s heart?

8009888

What is Mao tomorrow’s plan?

Breathe with less excruciating pain and live with good meanings

TWO MINUTES HERE

Oh globe… 

Weeks ago, a screaming-for-attention pimple grew one my forehead.

Bad attention that is.

Weeks later, nobody see me.

TWENTYTHREE MINUTES HERE

It’s been a very tiring day for me. Oh no, not due to the endless list of houseworks. It’s the goddamn relationship that slowly drying and shrinking things up. Turning my big-heart into something so small. Yes, anything small is nauseating and nauseating makes me wants to sleep and sleep and sleep.

I don’t know how on earth am I going to survive by laughing on everything. Especially when everything is in grave situation.

Perhaps, I should reduce my smile into half and show more signs to hell. No?

Or maybe I should gradually convince myself that by waiting, good reasons would come (hopefully on time) to save our day.

Let’s hope I won’t get awfullly lonely and all this waiting worth something.

It’s almost 1 am now and I am not missing him at all.

Strange.