GONE FOR BETTER OR WORST

She’s running.

IGNORANCE IS THE KEYWORD

What : On my way to bliss
When : 10.42 pm

Dear Universe,

I’ve made myself into a fuckhead bitch and there’s no doubt about it. Though the things I said looked as if some-people’s careless-work were the ones who destroyed me, my world, my life! But hey, it’s never ever true! It’s actually me over-analyzing things. Hehe.

To be pathetically honest, the people around me have been good. At times they treated me extra extra good. Countless of deeds they donated to me, without expecting anything from me. Not even my body! Oh Thank You!

Though there are some who are fond of lying a lot sometimes, who cares! Don’t u all see that everyone lied! Some even lied every hour, seconds and minute. Like u, me, she, he, they we, them, us, father, mother and EVERYONE! We all are lying together. So let’s us just continue lying! Just enjoy every single lies while it last. Haha.

Whether we lied wrongly or correctly, never ever stop! Once u stopped, your life dropped! Dropped into an absolutely devastating situation. And it would definitely takes a lot of sexy angels and practices to bring that good-side of u back!

If u really put much practices and able to practice it well to kick your lying habits, I bet all the lies that u once created would never have a way to eat u up someday! And that’s a BIG DOUBLE YAY YAY FOR U!

If it doesn’t, live with it. You lied, u spin, YOUR WEB is what u’re getting.

Therefore today, I would like to just ignore these spin-a-lie-people and keeps on concentrating on the light which is waiting for me patiently at the end of tunnel. A light in a shaped of a friend. Yes, my non-fiction choice is my non-fiction luxury!

Whether the rest of the oxygen-takers are right or wrong, let their knowledge echo back to their ears, mind and down to their heart. We shouldn’t get ourselve easily affected by it. If they ignored it, then it’s their lost! Never be mine. I repeat, never ever be mine,

Anyway, who am I to u? I am not here to reform your web. I am here just to accompany when u fucking needed a friend. Hehe.

But before I be one, I should sayang my own well-being first than anything in the world.

Am I right? Yes, I know that I AM ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

If u’re unable to consume the things I’ve said, YOUR PROBLEM then. Stupid.

Okay people, I got to go. Go to stop the pain and be balance. Yeehaa!

Be well lah people!

PART-TIME DECAYEE

What : Still Pending
When : 5.47 pm and a few seconds

Oh Universe,

Why are u dressed in black and white? Is this entirely a dream or are u trying to draw me back into another miserable cycle dream? Try eating? Oh please try not to waste all my efforts, can u? U would only get me into trouble if u keep forcing me to eat. Go on, please tell me something, throw me anything! Spell me blood if u must. Blood flowing out through the nose or the mouth, anywhere! If u don’t, I wouldn’t have the strength to feel u if u continue hurting me like this. It’s disastrous, can’t u see? It’s disastrous chronic mental disease, can’t u feel? Whatever definition the fucking word pain is…

I am still in the mood to live!

BANG BANG BOOM

Where : Crashing in my head
What : InsomniacNation
When : 4.00 am

Dear Universe,

I broke one of my rules today. Yeah, I cried and cried and cried since yesternight till this very morning for more than eighteen hours in total. If this goes on, pretty soon my eyes would go blind and my blood-pumping-machine would sure to tip-toe it’s way to other needy-body.

Next, I would end up with zero organs in my body and live voluntarily in total darkness for the rest of my life, underneath many piles of soil. Haha!

Damn bloody fuck luck sucks duck!

Why? Well it all started when I do not have much cash in hand and I need to get to work on time, I then asked Mr Zhry the thousandth and one time of friendly request, if he could drive me to work. So that I would still be able to reach the battleground before clock strike nine and I could use the remainder on food and cigarettes instead of throwing them into some cabby’s let’s-fuck-a-lot-fund!

Ok, not all cabby drivers are like that. I know, my bad. Pardon me for saying such, I am in need of letting off some steam here.

After the bla bla bla and due to some unsettled score we had in the past, we fought. BOOMBOOMBOOM!

Yeah, we then screamed out loud every word and every pain we could think of. Oh no, corrections. He didn’t scream. Sorry. It was me.

I screamed about the weather, mother, brother, sister and I also screamed at my cigarettes that lost it’s lighter. I screamed for more than twenty minutes and I didn’t even realized that I am no longer good at shouting anything out loud anymore, until I saw black on my bed, black on my walls and black in my entire room.

Unlike when I was ten. Where I used to be part of school’s choir. Despite harsh cries, singing and shouting out loud at the same time, for so many many hours. I could still see colors everywhere. Red, green, blue, purple, yellow and cyan!

But on second thought, I do think I am good at it still. Hehe.

Maybe what I should do before the fight is I should’ve make sure of myself that I’ve taken more than enough of rest, sleep on proper less-messy bed and take my dinner, supper and also my breakfast seriously. Right?

Ok fuck, drop that! Why am I talking about meal-time when there isn’t any food that would love to stay cheerfully in my body for long. Yes, not even for twenty minutes.

And so, I shouted about eating and I shouted sleeping. I shouted out every emotions that have been bottling up in my almost-dead brain. I shouted about the cock, the rock, the clock, the fork and all the fucking bad flock that stalked and clogged my mind.

The only time I stopped shouting is when my tears started to drip drop drip and drop onto my phone.

Minutes later, before I could get a glass of milk to down my pills, Mr Zhry darling sister smsed me.

“Y d hell did u said I’m bein cold 2u bla bla bla?! Lau aku jahat, aku takkan ajak kau kuar!! Ko ingat ko sorg depression?! Dammit!”

Prior to her sms arrival in my cell’s inbox, I then tried calling her cell. Not once but twice, still she rejected me. I then replied,

“What did he said? Call me first before u start assuming. Don’t be such an asshole. Thank u.”

I know, I am being rude. But I have to. She have been rude to me since I was nineteen.

Bottomline is, rude sender deserve rude reply. Yay.

She replied,

“He said u said I always hang up d fon like I dunwan 2tok 2u. Damnit lah! His own sister is in depression state he dun even care. Fuck lah! I had enuff of living!”

And so I replied,

“Fyi, me as the sender didn’t say or meant that way. If u fucking care to know the hellish truth, fucking call me then. If not, never fly your bloody assumptions on me. Yeah, depressed. Only fucking depressive people understand what sick-in-the-mind victims trying to say. Sorry to say, your bro talked in maths to u. And yeah he failed in it too.”

She replied, “He’s a fuckin asshole! Bcuz of YOU, aku yang kena!!”

I replied,

“So again, u are pointing finger at me? Don’t u ever get tired of it? U blamed me in the past and now, u blame me again. Why don’t u blame your own mirror on the wall? Or I can kindly give u my measuring tape if u need to measure your own sin! Sorry girl, I think your anger, WITHOUT KNOWING THE REAL CONVERSATION, is really unnecessary.”

At this point, everything that happened on 2001, came to life again. I could hear them in my ear, I could feel them in my heart and worst, I could see everyone of them, right here, standing like army of predators in my head.

I replied,

“It is such an insult, really. I can’t believe such educated human who own such a complete set of happy happy family could turned out this way. Where is your heart? Where is the brain? Are those things merely decorations to u people? I fucking abhor your rudeness towards me from the very first day. Don’t u ever call me again unless u need a heart to heart conversation with me!”

She replied,

“Eh Pandai berbual. I always tot ur not wat u seem. But now u dah tunjuk belang. Stop calling my brother and stop asking him 2help u!”

I replied,

“Right. Is that all u’ve got? Why don’t u ask your brother what had actually happened? And oh, did my sms hurt your heart, your brain or your ego? Why don’t u call me and tell me what u think of me personally? Why? Cause u yourself knew that u, your bro and everybody in the whole universe are nothing but imperfect dummies? Yeah, that’s right. Belang! My sentiments exactly! U be well girl, your problem is nothing compared to mine”

So that was it. Thanks to the rain and my almost-dying refrigerator, I am cool now. Clingy cool air, does help me sometimes. Hoorey!

Though the deep scars that they left in my heart years ago are something that would make me want to slit their throat, then grind their heart, mix and toss it so hard, as much they tossed mine, I think it would be wise if I welcome Karma to haunt them down instead.

Dear Mr oh-so-kind Zhry,

Thanks for being a failed-to-listen listener.

The message u conveyed to your darling sister have successfully created more frictions to some rare-creations. Yeah, u heard me wrong earlier on. So wrong till she subconsciously pointed her fat finger at me.

I tried calling her but her ego stopped her picking-up/answering/entertaining my calls.

Maybe truth is NOT important to human anymore, yeah? Or maybe she only wants to listen to what she wants to hear.

If only u would have been a little more attentive and really listened to my words very very carefully, less carelessly, I guess there won’t be any mishaps this morning.

It’s really ok. Let the world see me very ugly. I am not here to impress anyone who ever rejected me before. Or was it me, myself and I been rejecting myself? Oh well…

All I know I am here just to share my life with anyone who like to share their life with me. This includes animal and all the fanatically patriotic pigs too!

And yeah thanks for the helping hands u’ve given me. Without those hands,I would have stuffed all my family’s skeleton into my blue-yellow-closet.

The money? Don’t u worry. I will pay as soon as I have the extra money. If I failed to do so, I would haunt CPF and NTUC to pay every single nickle u gave me.

Yeah, I’ve nominated u. Only u and Fzh.

Why? First of all, I don’t know when I would have that much money to pay every single thing to u. Secondly, due to your kindness towards me for nine long years, I dont’t think I would be an evil enough to run away with your hard-earned money like that. And the very last reason is, I don’t know if I could still breathe in breathe out that long in future.

Though I can’t say “YES” to u each time u asked me to be the one for u, due to our past failures, family conflicts, fears and differences. I can’t deny that of all many people I’ve met, u are one of the few who I would like to grow up with - You, Fzh, Smt and A.Fau.

U guys are not just friends but family who would be my witnesses when I can’t pry open my eyes, some-end-day.

Be well.

SHE DUMPED HER

What : I need wheels. I don’t mind even if it’s ugly
Why : I want to go for a ride and yes, I am ugly too
When : 9.03 pm failed to make me blush

Dear mirror on the wall,

Today’s afternoon, I saw my little dreamsindoubt walked out on me. The best part was, she didn’t say anything before she left. All I could see was she kept mum, long-sighs, feeling utterly disappointed, she then made up her mind, floating off to my cancerstick’s smoke, then poof she goes in thin air.

What’s left now is me. Just the oh-so-helpless, always-looking-bad me. Sitting here with the good ol’ moon, together we believe, true-good-people do exist elegantly somewhere.

Therefore my fellow comrades, do be prepare. For I could never guarantee any one of u that I could ever beg this feeling to stay in one and only same place for the longest time. This goes especially to clowns who fonds of freezing my heart then juggling magicpills and tumbling them down through my throat.

Sorry clowns, your final rounds of thrill and entertainment are over.

Instead of waiting a good but bitter friend to donate a good fuck to my one and only life and leave me screaming like a siren, I’d rather go back to where I once started. Talking to my reliable blood-pumping machine, with no lights on, then chase a cab, feel the wind, spend my solitary nights on the hill, squatting, making love to the moon and be a lesser stupid fool.

Before that, I need a tool. A tool to ease these strong pain.

Yes, I won’t give up. True friend, true love still standing. All I need to do is to stand together. With or without legs attached.

Be well to whoever u are

HEELSINHELLDREAM

What : Black and white reel
When : 7. 22 am

Good morning disappearing people!

I escaped from my feet-on-heels dreams a wee bit early today. Why? Dreamaginary blisters and pain on my toes woke me up. Everything looked so fantastically real. I can’t seem to tell them apart.

I know, I sounded extremely pathetic. But hey, right after I opened my eyes, I saw my hands holding close to my knees.

See, I can’t even find solace in my own sleep. Sigh.

Oh my! Time seems to run faster than I thought. I better get going now before time decided not to look sweet anymore.

Be well

I NEED A FAMILY AND A MAN

What : Acknowledging my needs
When : 11.51 pm

Oh Sea of Different Jars,

All I want is a man who would wonder why the universe is so goddamn special, why heaven have so much secrets, why hell is so hot, why metal can’t break like broken glass, why grasses could dance better than human, why gifts turn people into devils, why time is so mysteriously important, why god is one, why pretenders are interesting, why heroes have better options, why siblings are so different, why everyone’s the same, why love makes one refreshed, why couples get married to lie many big small lies, why people shy to die and etcetera…

Ok I know, I am asking too much. That explains why men and my family kept running away from me and me running away from them.

Bye

ONCE AGAIN

What : Wave of Goodbyes
When : 4.06 am

Dear Sea of Hurt,

My head is confusingly spinning a haunted-web and it hurts me deep. Uncontrollably.

Whatever nameless pain flowing slowly are starting to move real slow-mo than ever. I feel so stuck, ackwardly stucked on the edge of this so-called life.

The more I tried to calculate, to understand the things around me, the more mathematically insane I get myself into.

Is this what Mr February have installed for me?

Shortlived happiness and unfulfilled peace? Is that all? Where’s death? Why death not included yet? How long more should I hang onto these invisible-enemies?

Oh please life, stop hissing! I’d rather u freeze my twenty-eight years of breathing and it than hearing me screaming, “Oh my God, no!”

STOP HISSING!

PERFECT DAY PERFECT DREAM

What : Ten days later
When : 12.07 am

“Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.”

For a minute, all of us wanted the same thing, same note, same life, same lucky star and exactly the same mindblowing battleground. Next thing I know, everything was just a dream. A short-torturing, meaningless dream that isn’t made to be part of mine and never mine to command.

Oh did I mention that I tried rescuing someone while everyone was wide asleep? Oh shut that flaming-lip up, Nong! As if anyone care.

Here’s Antony and The Johnsons for him and him and all the little cripple starfish they used to love.

Mr. Muscle forcing bursting. Stingy thingy into little me, me, me. But just “ripple” said the cripple. As my jaw dropped to the ground, smile, smile.

It’s true I always wanted love to be HURTFUL. And it’s true I always wanted love to be filled with pain and bruises.

Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy. Screamed ” I just compeletely love you! And there’s no rhyme or reason I’m changing like the seasons. Watch! I’ll even cut off my finger. It will grow back like a Starfish! It will grow back like a Starfish! It will grow back like a Starfish!”

Mr. Muscle, gazing boredly. And he checking time did punch me and I sighed and bleeded like a windfall. Happy bleedy, happy bruisy.

I am very happy, so please hit me. I am very happy, so please hurt me. I am very happy, so please hit me. I am very very happy, so come on hurt me.

I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish. I’ll grow back like a Starfish.

Like a Starfish…

WHAT I NEED NOW IS BASIC

What : Powerful Red Eyes
When : 4.31 am

Oh Sea of Love,

I am not asleep and not eating much still. Almost eighteen days altogether. Though I still do look flabby here and there, my weight is dropping and I bet there’s more to drop.

Oh don’t sigh, please. Sighing makes me puzzled.

Looking all puzzled would also gave my family an idea, a fundamental idea that their daughter is a warm-hearted heroine addict. Haha! So, let’s fuck sigh for once, ok?

Some said, “Slow death”

“Oh thank you”, I replied.

My darlings asked me to give a light knock on Roger’s head but since he is worshipping his new-pork’s year still, I am happy to let him go.

I would rather wait till 6th March than going without much cash in hand. My next appointment, that is.

Anyway, even if I go knocking on his head and door now, I simply don’t know what to expect from the oh-so-geeky Roger. Good or bad, it makes no difference to me. I don’t even particularly care about whether the pain that I am having now are killers or not. I rather be an ignorant to my well-being than knowing that I’m one helpless-being trying to be happy in a shortlived state.

Right, I could hear someone is calling me dark again. I am not, alright? I am just pale.

I’ve stored diazepam into my blood an hour ago but still, “Nongmerase see no reaction”. And waiting for something to happen, at this time, at this hour, is the last thing I would do. Maybe, what I need now is more people like Tuan Noor Azlim to cheer up the pill to work a.s.a.p!

And oh to u and u and u, do try to minimise that worries, ok?

I strongly believe that I won’t die that easily cause I have so much responsibilities not just in hand but on my shoulders too. U get what I am saying, kids?

Bla bla bla dumb dumb dumb, I could live still with the lack of food but not sleep.

TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: i suka ur bahasa
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: so metamorphic
BETTIE HUSSEIN: oh?
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: and indah
BETTIE HUSSEIN: u mean metaphoric?
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: yaa
BETTIE HUSSEIN: hehe ok
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: metamorphic tu cite power rangers
TUAN NOOR AZLIM TUAN ABDUL RAHIM: =))
BETTIE HUSSEIN: LOL!

Ps : I also need al-cheapo scuds to redeem back all my memory on how to sleep early.

APA ADA PADA DAUN

Bila : Bawah langit Khamis
Waktu : 12.52 tengah-hari

Setelah beberapa kali matahari melintasi kepala beratus juta manusia, di petang ini, aku wanita yang sedang sakit berikrar untuk memainkan watak seorang perempuan yang ternormal dan terindah. Tapi dengan kedatangan si pencegah-pencegah keharmonian yang tiba tanpa diundang, adik ku yang kurang kenal antara daun corriander dan peppermint, juga dengan secara tidak sengaja bersekepala kepada mereka yang datang tanpa dipelawa.

Sejurus adik ku memotong perlahan-lahan dedaun yang baharu dikeluarkan dari plastik sejuk, kepala ku dengan pantasnya memekik,

“Daun apa nih cha?! Nih nak buat masak lauk or nak buat ice-cream?”

Disebabkan kelemahan yang ku lahirkan dari malam semalam, aku tidak nampak jalan lain selain dari jalan penuh gagal. Aku juga tidak sempat memiliki daya untuk melawan sakit di kepala sehingga aku memekik dan terus memekik ke arah apa-apa yang sedang bergerak, lalu menangis berterusan secara loop sewaktu menumis cili di kuali.

Aku rasa, jikalau aku lah yang menjadi seorang jiran yang mendengar kerumitan yang sama kecoh dan sama bising, aku tentu akan menyuruh jiran yang lain untuk membuat panggilan kepada polis dan membuat aduan bahawanya ada kematian besar-besaran di rumah sebelah. Oh haha.

Kini aku sedang duduk menaip bersama kepala yang sedang meraung-raung meminta ubat.

“Satu ajer Nong. Telan lah aku. Tak usah banyak-banyak. Lepas satu, tambahkan lagi satu lagi sahaja…”

Itulah suara tuhan experimentasi ku. Ubat.

Tiada ubat ku, mungkin rumahku sudah tidak bernyawa. Dan mungkin, aku juga sudah gagal untuk bernyawa panjang.

“Yakin benar nampak katanya. Penuh berani, hingga musnah peribadi. Itu sahaja kah yang ada di otak mu? Satu jalan?”

Oh bukan, wahai suara misteri! Jalan memang sentiasa banyak.

Walaupon dalam banyak-banyak jalan ada jalan yang senang dan bercabang, aku sebagai perempuan yang hidup hanya sekali harus bersikap degil dan harus memilih jalan ganjil untuk bertemu apa dan siapa aku yang sebenarnya.

“Oh semakin berani ya dikau. Asalkan diri yang satu itu tidak dekat dengan sesat, sudah lah”

Beraninya aku buang segala kisah, bukan sebab aku mahu bersikap takbur ataupon ingkar atas segala pemberiannya. Aku cuma mahu tahu mana jalan yang betul-betul benar. Walau ia akan memakan tahun sehingga matahari dikopek-kopek seperti buah limau di petang tahun baru cina. Aku akan terus sanggup dan terus sanggup berjalan mencari aku yang sebenarnya aku.

“Oh semakin gelap lah masa depan serta kubur kau tuh”

Gelap ataupon tidak, sempit atapon luas, berlampu ataupon berulat, tenggelam ataupon kembang tanah kuburku, bukan kau yang bernama hakim.

Tidak sekali hati ku berdegup dengan berniat menambahkan keharu-biruan petang ini. Dan bukan lah hobi sepenuh masa ku untuk memekik-mekik di tingkap setengah luas berlangsir hijau, seolah-olah dapur ku yang satu sedang mengalami kebakaran tahap maksima.

Niat aku yang sebenarnya kelihatan kecil molek sahaja. Iaitu, aku hanya mahukan keluarga ku memakan lauk-pauk ku hingga licin periuk serta belanga, seperti tahun-tahun yang dahulu, tahun kurang pilu.

Ya. Seperti tahun-tahun yang jauh berlalu.

Disebabkan kerinduan yang tak terhingga ini, aku dengan cara sengaja membubuh lebih garam, lebih cili padi dan lebih asam agar dapat terdengarnya aku komen-komen liar yang berkumandang dari mulut ibuku sewaktu beliau menjamah lauk ku, bunyian hingus pekat yang dipaksa masuk kembali ke lorong hidung ayahku dan juga wajah penuh riang dari adikku semasa beliau memakan lauk-pauk ku.

Aku ketagihkan semua ini. Sungguh.

Ketagihannya tidak dapat ku lawan sehingga aku terpaksa menelan pil-pil yang diberikan oleh Roger yang sudah ku sediakan empat hingga enam bijian sehari dari malam semalam.

“Kan bagus jikalau kau memilih ketagihkan TUHAN daripada ini semua?”

Tuhan adakan ini semua bukan sebab mahukan kita ketagihkan DIA, tapi untuk kita sentiasa mengingati ciptaan-ciptaannya yang dicipta oleh tangan yang serupa. Dan buat apalah duduk di dunia jikalau mementingkan kubur sendiri sahaja?

Apa? Gentarnya engkau dengan si pencipta jikalau DIA tidak memberi engkau ticket pulang ke syurga esok hari? Oh kejinya aku terasa jikalau aku terdiri di antara satu sifat yang kau miliki.

“Aku hanya ingin menolong…”

Menolong? Daripada buat-buat menolong aku, pergilah engkau hulurkan bantuan kepada anjing serta kucing yang berkaki tempang, ataupon mereka yang sedang terkial-kial mencari butiran nasi masak untuk mulut kepada sudu. Tak usah berjalan jauh, pergi sahaja ke masjid-masjid berdekatan, terutama sekali di hari Jumaat. Tentu kau akan jumpa mereka yang selesa meminta. Yang tua dan yang muda, pilih sahaja. Hentikan memilih aku. Pilih lah yang sangat-sangat memerlukan bantuan.

“$&@*&**@()@)%*(%_*_@YY!!” soraknya mereka tanda marah

Oh sudahlah! Daripada duduk melemaskan diri sendiri dengan memberi penjelasan kepada mereka yang bersependapat sekelompok, ada baiknya aku pusing ke arah Prozac.

Agar ia dapat melayar ku ke dalam laut mati. Laut yang tidak ada apa mahupon siapa melainkan aku. Tidur seperti seorang bayi merah yang degil yang yang rela mati agar tidak dipaksa keluar dari tanki penuh lumpur merah ibunya.

Selamat semua

MAKETH A POINT

Dear Lonely Universe,

Hurrah everyone! It’s 4.27 am and I am still not asleep.

I’ve tried getting myself friendly with Thursday by drinking three cups of tea black, smoking cancersticks and nibbling chocolates just to fill and refilling my empty tummy, but still, it doesn’t seem to help.

Next twenty minutes, instead of lying flat on the bed with a full abdomen, I ended hiring my hand, with eye-sockets looking so fuzzy, poking into the plastic bag, examining all the stuffs that I’ve vomited out at oh-so-rapid pace.

I guess with all these semi-retarded state, I would soon be celebrating life in the dark, by metamorphosis into Darth Vader-Asian Version. Haha.

“Don’t u want to be healthy? U know stay happy, healthy and etcetera? Oh, Don’t u care about the future, darling?“

Oh Yucks! Please, that’s enough. Those sounds so Greek to me.

Don’t u try to regain the bright side of me by forwarding and mimicking such temporary-killer questions to me over and over again. No matter how religiously neutral u projected yourself or how professionally u people tried to insert not-so-helpful advices through my brain, I don’t think I would be donating permission to access to my system.

For your own grave’s sake information, many tried and many have drove their faith to hell. So, don’t try or don’t act smart if u don’t wish to be next.

But if sincerely been wanting to see the better of me, think easy. Just show me the big door to love and I bet the rest would follow.

But if u people belongs to the leave your broom somewhere and watch the litter grow society, oh please leave and never delay.

As for Smt, Fzh and Darling Fau, I am sorry, really. I simply can’t judge what’s wrong or right or good or bad or correct for me. Therefore, please stop trying too hard to recover me. Go take a break if u need to.

I promise, once I’m well, I would give u guys the opportunity to dance with me again.

Be well

BREAKING DOWN MIND

What : Exhausted
Why : I think I am going
When : 7.15 am

Oh universe,

I saw myself fighting on bed last night. Fighting with that someone in me. Till it blocked me from sleeping. Oh it was at 4.30 am. Yay?

Oh no, I am not pregnant. Oh, how I wish I am right now. Without sleeping with anyone lah! Whatever the flying fuck is, I am madly dislike myself very much right now.

Yes, I am unhealthy again.

What should I do to like myself again? Should I just set myself to be blissfully blank and take whatever I have now, seriously? Or should I just unclip my wing, set myself amazingly free, continue to day-dream delusionally, and see myself fly away?

“To be minimise all fears, u need tools, the right ones to start with”

Guess what u said is true. I am in need of the oh-so-right tools to create happiness.

“Oh cut the crap lah bitch. U better get going to the shower-room or else u would be late for breakfast again”

Haha breakfast! As if I could eat. Oh well…

Be well love

THE SEMI LAST RESORT

When : 4.04 pm
Where : Yahoo Messenger

BETTIE HUSSEIN: nori
BETTIE HUSSEIN: i need help
BETTIE HUSSEIN: meet me if im there
BETTIE HUSSEIN: i need someone
BETTIE HUSSEIN: get me books
BETTIE HUSSEIN: any books that could make me happy
BETTIE HUSSEIN: any books on history of our religon
NORI DARLING: books wont make people happy
BETTIE HUSSEIN: any books that could make life reset again
NORI DARLING: its not the books lah
BETTIE HUSSEIN: sigh
BETTIE HUSSEIN: that is so unkind of u
NORI DARLING: apa cerita pulak ni?
BETTIE HUSSEIN: ive read and some yes made me happy
BETTIE HUSSEIN: aku rasa hitam putih
BETTIE HUSSEIN: lepas ni kelabu
BETTIE HUSSEIN: brb
NORI DARLING: its about living and breathing the ones u read…
NORI DARLING: kalau asyik read je..and do nothing..no point jugak per
BETTIE HUSSEIN: thats what u see
BETTIE HUSSEIN: people see what they want to see
BETTIE HUSSEIN: i cant say anything
NORI DARLING: and u will use that excuse over and over…hmmm…
BETTIE HUSSEIN: i am just acknowledging
NORI DARLING: when people wanna help..u choose not to see …
BETTIE HUSSEIN: it is not an excuse
BETTIE HUSSEIN: so please excuse me
NORI DARLING: u’re excused

COLD IN GREY

When : 3.33 pm
Where : Here

Oh hi,

For the past weeks, I’ve been sleeping at 6 or 7 am and wake up at 8, 9 or 10 in the morning. Somedays, I could even walk around for two or three days without the help of sleeping. Yes, not even a single wink.

I’ve popped few diazepam, but they won’t work much on me still. Yeah, placing my everything on placebo-effect does made me dizzy and spinning for a bit. But violent minutes later, they would left me, my heart, all insecured, on a super-fast rollercoaster, without strapping any safety belt.

Next I could see death passing, floating, waving at me, the whole night till funshine ends it’s daily routine.

Though doctors have been prescribing me this and that, blue and white, I am still way too stubborn to pop them on time. The only time I would pop them is when I don’t think of love, love and love.

When I have a need to look up on one literally as well as metaphorically, my heart would screamed, “I don’t see why u should get drunk, high and bright by popping these when all u need is some-scuds and love”

Oh well, maybe I should just heed Roger’s advice, “Down them every morning and down them every night, on time. If fluoxetine doesn’t match u anymore, I’ll give u a bed, friends and some fuel that could make u fly up, up and away”

Oh Roger, the money u earn is yours, so go on, do whatever u like. Do whatever u like, as long as u could make this half-angel-half-disaster sing “Sullen Girl” to herself, all the way to an ideal hell, the therapy’s ward again.

Who : Fiona Apple
What : Sullen Girl

Days like this, I don’t know what to do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel to take flight

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl — sullen girl
They don’t know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl
And left an empty shell of me

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
It’s calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.